Category: Life Coaching

the orange peel theory

The Orange Peel Theory: The Berries That Sealed Our Love

Posted on by Divya Toshniwal

Imagine this: you’re curled up on the couch after a long day. You’re craving an orange, but you’re too tired to get up. Your partner silently walks into the kitchen, peels one, and hands it to you—without being asked.
It’s such a small gesture, right?
Or is it?

Welcome to the Orange Peel Theory—a beautiful metaphor that reminds us that love is not always loud. Sometimes, it speaks softly through everyday actions.

a girl peeling orange for her partner - orange peel theory

I didn’t know about the “Orange Peel Theory” when I chose my life partner, but looking back, I realize it was a massive driver in my decision. Our relationship was long-distance, a challenge that often magnifies the importance of small gestures.

One ordinary day, a courier arrived. When I opened the package, I was ecstatic to find Red Indian berries (Indian jujube), also known as “ber”. These aren’t common where I lived, but they’re abundant in state of Rajasthan(where he was those days), and I absolutely love them. Overwhelmed with delight, I immediately called him. “Why did you send these?” I asked, my voice bubbling with happiness. His simple reply resonated deeply: “I remembered you said you loved them, so when I saw them in the market, I thought of you. I just had to send them.”

It wasn’t the berries themselves, but the thought behind them. The fact that he remembered a casual comment, that he took the time and effort to source and send something so specific just because it would bring me joy – that was the magic. There were several such instances, subtle yet powerful demonstrations of his attentiveness and care, that made me fall deeply in love. These weren’t grand romantic gestures; they were genuine acts of noticing and prioritizing my happiness, proving that the Orange Peel Theory, in its essence, was guiding us all along.

The Orange Peel Theory: A Simple Test for Deeper Connections

In our busy lives, it’s easy to overlook the small gestures that truly matter. We often find ourselves seeking grand declarations or significant events to validate our relationships, whether with a partner, friend, or even a family member. But what if the strongest indicators of genuine connection and care lie in the simplest of acts? This is where the “Orange Peel Theory” comes in – a wonderfully insightful concept that encourages us to notice and appreciate the subtle cues of true partnership.

The Orange Peel Theory suggests that these seemingly insignificant actions are powerful indicators of how deeply someone understands and prioritizes your needs, even before you explicitly ask. It’s about proactive care, observation, and a genuine desire to contribute to your comfort and happiness. It’s a beautiful reflection of what it means to be truly seen and supported.

The “Orange Peel Theory” originated as a viral trend on TikTok. It gained widespread popularity through a specific TikTok video that featured a text exchange between former partners. In this exchange, one person expressed missing the simple act of their ex-partner peeling oranges for them.This sparked a trend where users began sharing stories and videos of their own partners performing small, unsolicited acts of service, such as peeling an orange, as a sign of genuine care and commitment. The theory quickly resonated with audiences as a simple, yet profound way to assess attentiveness and love in a relationship


Why It Resonates So Deeply

In therapeutic and emotional work, attunement is a key concept. It refers to the ability to emotionally “tune in” to someone else—to pick up on their subtle signals, moods, or needs, even when they’re unspoken. It’s the art of paying attention, feeling with someone, and acting with sensitivity.

On the surface, peeling an orange might seem trivial. But the profound impact of the “Orange Peel Theory” lies in its psychological resonance. These small acts tap into fundamental human needs .

Mindfulness and Presence: For the giver, performing these acts requires mindfulness – being present enough to observe and anticipate. For the receiver, it highlights that the other person is truly present and engaged in the relationship.

Validation and Being Seen: When someone performs an unsolicited act of service, it communicates, “I see you. I understand your needs, even the unexpressed ones.” This feeling of being truly seen and understood is incredibly validating and builds deep emotional intimacy.

Effort and Prioritization: In a world demanding constant attention, taking a moment to perform a small act of service demonstrates effort and shows that you are a priority. It’s a tangible expression that someone is willing to invest their time and energy into your comfort.

Acts of Service (Love Language): For many, “Acts of Service” is a primary love language. While not everyone expresses or receives love this way, these gestures are universally appreciated as concrete demonstrations of care, bridging communication gaps and fostering a sense of security.

Building Trust Incrementally: Trust isn’t built in one grand gesture, but through consistent, small, reliable actions. Each “orange peel moment” contributes to a foundation of trust, making you feel safer and more secure in the relationship.

The Orange Peel Theory resonates so strongly because it’s a perfect, everyday example of attunement in action.

In a world that often celebrates grand gestures, it’s easy to dismiss the subtle acts of kindness.

Orange Peel Theory In Everyday Life

Here are a few more everyday examples of the “Orange Peel Theory” in action, showcasing how small gestures can speak volumes:

The Proactive Helper: You’re cooking, and your hands are full or messy. Your partner, without you saying a word, grabs the spice jar you’re reaching for, or washes a used utensil for you to reuse.

The Thoughtful Communicator: You mention in passing that you’re having a particularly stressful day at work. Later that afternoon, your friend sends you a message with a funny meme or a link to a relaxing song, just to brighten your mood.

The Observant Host: You’re at someone’s house, and you casually mention you’re a little cold. Before you even think to ask, they quietly bring you a blanket or adjust the thermostat.

The Prepared Partner: You’re heading out the door, clearly running a bit late. Your partner already has your keys, wallet, or phone waiting for you on the counter, knowing you might forget them in your rush.

The Empathetic Commuter: On a crowded bus or train, someone notices you’re struggling with heavy bags and, without a word, adjusts their position slightly to give you more room or offers to hold one of your items.

The Remembering Colleague: You’ve had a particularly challenging deadline, and once it’s met, a colleague brings you your favorite coffee or a small treat, remembering how hard you’ve been working.

The Caring Family Member: You’re feeling under the weather, and a family member quietly makes you a cup of tea, brings you a book, or fluffs your pillow, anticipating your need for comfort.

Your Longest Commitment: Cultivating Deeper Connections

Understanding the Orange Peel Theory isn’t just about evaluating others; it’s also about becoming more mindful of your own actions. How often are you the one peeling the metaphorical orange for those around you? By proactively looking for ways to offer small acts of kindness and support, you can deepen your connections and enrich your relationships.By consciously looking for opportunities to perform these small, unsolicited acts, you can significantly deepen your connections:

Start Small and Be Consistent: You don’t need to perform grand feats. Consistency in small, thoughtful actions builds trust and warmth over time far more effectively than sporadic large gestures.

Cultivate Observational Awareness: Pay closer attention to the people in your life. What small struggles do they face? What subtle preferences do they have? Do they always forget their keys? Do they prefer their coffee a certain way?

Anticipate Needs: Try to anticipate what might make someone’s day a little easier or brighter. If you know a friend has a big presentation, could you send them a supportive text or bring them their favorite snack?

Act Without Being Asked: The power lies in the unsolicited nature of the act. If you see an opportunity to help or show care, do it without waiting for a request.

Personalize Your Gestures: Just like the berries I received, the most impactful “orange peels” are often tailored to the individual. They show you truly know and remember them.

No matter what happens in life, keep moving towards building more empathetic and attentive relationships. You are your longest commitment, and investing in the quality of your connections is an investment in your own well-being. Start noticing the orange peels, both given and received, and watch how your relationships blossom with genuine care and understanding.

While the “Orange Peel Theory” offers a beautiful lens to appreciate acts of care, it’s crucial to remember it’s a theory and not a definitive pass/fail test for a relationship. Do not hand them an orange and ask them to peel it . It will lead you no where , no matter what their reaction is. Healthy relationships thrive on a myriad of factors, with open communication being paramount. Not everyone expresses love through acts of service, and sometimes life circumstances might prevent someone from performing these gestures. Use this theory to deepen appreciation and inspire your own actions, rather than as a rigid checklist to judge others. The most profound connections are built on understanding, empathy, and continuous conversation.

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mimetic desires

Mimetic Desire: Do you really want what you think you want?

Posted on by Divya Toshniwal

When I met Ryan, he seemed to have it all—effortless charisma, an unshakable sense of purpose, and a life that seemed to unfold like the pages of a magazine. We’d been college roommates, and while I spent late nights juggling assignments and a part-time job, Ryan coasted through, juggling social engagements, leadership roles, and still managing to ace his exams. Everyone admired him, and though I tried not to compare myself, it was impossible not to feel like I was falling short.

It wasn’t jealousy—at least, that’s what I told myself. Ryan was my friend, after all, and I wanted to see him succeed. But the more I saw his effortless success, the more I began to wonder: why couldn’t I have what he had? I started mirroring his choices without even realizing it. When Ryan joined the debate team, I signed up too, despite knowing I hated public speaking. When he took up photography, I spent an entire paycheck on a DSLR camera I barely knew how to use. I told myself I was expanding my horizons, but deep down, I knew I was chasing his shadow.

Ryan’s success escalated after college. He landed a high-paying consulting job, moved to a sleek downtown apartment, and started posting photos of luxurious trips and designer suits. Meanwhile, I floundered in a series of unfulfilling entry-level jobs. Every time I scrolled through his social media, I felt a gnawing inadequacy. I told myself I wasn’t envious, just inspired. But the truth was harder to admit: I wanted what Ryan had, not because it was what I truly desired, but because he made it look so desirable.

This mimetic pull began to distort my choices. I applied to the same consulting firms, convinced that if I could replicate his career trajectory, I’d finally feel fulfilled. I even started dressing like him, adopting his polished aesthetic in the hopes it might bring me closer to his level of success. But no matter how much I tried to mimic his life, I couldn’t shake the emptiness that followed. The suits felt like a costume, the job interviews felt hollow, and my growing resentment toward Ryan became a wedge in our friendship.

The breaking point came at one of Ryan’s rooftop parties. Surrounded by his glamorous friends, I tried to fit in, laughing at jokes I didn’t find funny and sipping cocktails I couldn’t afford. Midway through the evening, Ryan pulled me aside.

“You don’t seem like yourself lately,” he said.

His words stung because they were true. I had lost sight of who I was in the pursuit of who I thought I should be. That night, I left the party early, walking aimlessly through the city, questioning every choice I’d made in the past few years. I realized that I had been living someone else’s life, chasing desires that weren’t truly mine.

The next morning, I made a list of everything that genuinely brought me joy—things I had neglected in my quest to emulate Ryan. Writing, hiking, cooking—simple activities that had nothing to do with status or validation. Slowly, I began to rebuild my life around these authentic passions. I started journaling daily, eventually sharing my writing on a blog that gained a small but supportive following. I spent weekends exploring trails instead of attending networking events, and I found solace in creating meals that reminded me of home.

Ryan and I drifted apart, not out of animosity, but because I no longer needed his life as a blueprint for my own. The distance allowed me to see him more clearly—not as a rival or a model to emulate, but as a person with his own struggles and insecurities. Over time, I came to understand that Ryan’s success had never been the problem; my unexamined desire to measure myself against him was.

Looking back, I’m grateful for the detour, painful as it was. It taught me that mimetic desires—the drive to want what others have—can be a powerful force, but only if we let it. By recognizing and resisting this pull, I found the courage to define success on my own terms. True fulfillment, I realized, doesn’t come from chasing someone else’s dream. It comes from the quiet satisfaction of living a life that’s unmistakably yours.

Mimetic desire, a concept first articulated by French philosopher René Girard, is a fascinating theory that explains how human desires are often shaped not by inherent needs or personal inclinations, but by the desires of others. It underscores a fundamental aspect of human behavior: we are not isolated individuals with unique wants; instead, we are deeply influenced by the people around us, whether we realize it or not. This phenomenon of desire through imitation is not just an intriguing philosophical idea but a powerful lens for understanding much of human culture, from consumer behavior to social conflicts.

What is Mimetic Desire?

You might not have cared about the latest smartphone, but when you see your friends or influencers raving about it, you suddenly feel like you need it. Their desire influences yours.Ever noticed how people are drawn to crowded restaurants? Even if you had no prior opinion about the food, seeing a packed venue makes you think the food must be amazing, and you want to try it too.When a song or dance becomes popular on TikTok, people often mimic the trend. It’s not just about liking the song but about wanting to participate in something others are enjoying.

At its core, mimetic desire suggests that we desire things not because they are inherently valuable, but because others desire them. Girard’s theory rests on the idea that people’s desires are not autonomous. Instead, they are modeled after others’ desires. This imitative process begins early in life, as children look to their parents, peers, or even media figures for guidance on what is worth wanting. Think about kids playing together. If one child picks up a toy, suddenly all the other kids want that exact toy—even if it was ignored before. They desire it because someone else does. As individuals, we often look to others to define what is desirable, whether that is a material object, a lifestyle, a status, or even a particular romantic partner.Sometimes, someone may seem more attractive because others are interested in them. This is mimetic desire in relationships—desiring someone because they are seen as desirable by others.

A person may find themselves wanting a certain brand of luxury car or an extravagant vacation not because they independently see it as valuable, but because others in their social circle admire or covet these things. The desire to possess what someone else possesses creates a cycle of imitation and competition, which can amplify the intensity of the desire.

Mimetic Desire and Conflict

Since desires are imitative, they often overlap, causing competition between individuals or groups. The more people desire the same thing, the more intense and entrenched the competition becomes. This is especially true for scarce resources—whether tangible goods, status, or even affection.

These conflicts can be internal (within oneself) or external (with others). Here’s how:

1. Internal Conflicts

Mimetic desire can create inner turmoil when it clashes with personal values, needs, or self-perception.

  • Example 1: Identity Crisis
    • You might start wanting a high-paying corporate job because your peers desire it, even if deep down, you value creative freedom or a simpler lifestyle. This leads to frustration, dissatisfaction, and self-doubt.
  • Example 2: Imposter Syndrome
    • Mimicking the goals or achievements of others might leave you feeling like a fraud because you’re chasing what’s not authentically yours.
  • Example 3: Conflicted Choices
    • A person might feel torn between buying a luxury car because “everyone” has one and their desire to save for something meaningful, like traveling or education.

2. External Conflicts

Mimetic desires often create competition when multiple people want the same thing, leading to rivalry, jealousy, or disputes.

  • Example 1: Workplace Rivalry
    • Two employees might compete for a promotion not because either deeply wants the role, but because the other person does. This rivalry can breed animosity and sabotage.
  • Example 2: Love Triangles
    • In relationships, mimetic desire can manifest when two friends fall for the same person. One friend’s interest might spark the other’s, leading to conflict and strained friendships.
  • Example 3: Social Tensions
    • Mimetic desire fuels consumerism. For instance, everyone wanting the latest trendy gadget might lead to price hikes, scarcity, and frustration. On a larger scale, it can cause class envy or resentment when some cannot afford what others flaunt.

Why Mimetic Desire Escalates Conflict

Self-Perpetuating Cycle: Mimetic desire spreads. If two people compete for something, others might join in, assuming it must be valuable, escalating the conflict further.

Girard argued that this kind of rivalry inevitably leads to social tensions and conflicts. Over time, these conflicts can escalate, often resulting in a scapegoating mechanism where one individual or group is blamed for the group’s frustrations. This process, according to Girard, is fundamental to human culture and has influenced everything from the formation of myths to the dynamics of war and violence.


In today’s world, mimetic desire is especially prevalent. The advent of social media has amplified the influence of mimetic desire, allowing us to see and compare the lives of others in ways that were once unimaginable. People constantly present curated versions of their lives on platforms like Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok, showcasing material possessions, relationships, and experiences that others may come to desire. The more someone’s lifestyle is idealized by others, the more those desires are mimetically spread, creating trends, fads, and even consumer addictions.

In the realm of consumerism, mimetic desire has been a key driver behind the marketing strategies of corporations. Advertisements are designed not simply to sell products but to suggest that owning these products will make us more desirable, successful, or fulfilled—goals that are often defined by what others have or want. This results in a cycle where people are motivated to acquire things they may not even need, simply to imitate the desires of those around them.

Why we need to understand mimetic desires?

Understanding mimetic desire is essential because it deeply influences human behavior, relationships, and society. By recognizing how mimetic desire works, we can make more authentic decisions, navigate social dynamics effectively, and reduce unnecessary conflicts. Here are some key reasons why understanding it is valuable:

1. To Make Authentic Choices

  • Mimetic desire often leads us to pursue goals and possessions because others want them, not because they align with our true values or needs. By understanding this, we can:
    • Reflect on whether a desire is genuinely ours.
    • Focus on what brings real fulfillment, rather than chasing trends or societal pressures.
  • Example: You might decide against buying an expensive gadget or pursuing a high-status career if it doesn’t align with your personal aspirations.

2. To Reduce Competition and Conflict

  • Mimetic desire is a root cause of rivalry and jealousy, as people often compete for the same objects, roles, or relationships. Recognizing its influence can:
    • Help diffuse tension by identifying the underlying imitation.
    • Encourage collaboration instead of competition.
  • Example: Two colleagues might recognize they’re competing for a promotion only because they’re mimicking each other’s ambition, leading to healthier workplace dynamics.

3. To Build Stronger Relationships

  • Mimetic desire can strain friendships, romantic relationships, and family dynamics. Understanding it helps:
    • Prevent unnecessary comparisons or rivalries.
    • Foster mutual understanding and support.
  • Example: Recognizing how mimetic desire impacts a love triangle can help friends preserve their relationship by addressing the root of the conflict.

4. To Resist Consumerism and Social Pressures

  • Advertisers and social media platforms often exploit mimetic desire to drive consumption. Understanding this helps:
    • Avoid falling for marketing tactics that manipulate desires.
    • Make mindful financial and lifestyle decisions.
  • Example: You might realize that buying a luxury car won’t make you happier, even if it seems desirable because others have one.

5. To Enhance Creativity and Innovation

  • Mimetic desire can stifle originality because people tend to imitate popular ideas or trends. Recognizing this can:
    • Encourage you to think independently and explore unique perspectives.
    • Drive innovation by focusing on what genuinely inspires you, rather than what’s fashionable.
  • Example: Instead of mimicking a popular style in art or writing, you create something that reflects your personal vision.

6. To Understand Social and Cultural Dynamics

  • Mimetic desire plays a role in shaping societal trends, movements, and even conflicts. By studying it, we can:
    • Analyze how collective desires are formed and spread.
    • Address societal issues like polarization, inequality, and consumerism.
  • Example: Recognizing how mimetic desire drives housing booms or social media trends can help policymakers and individuals make informed decisions.

7. To Cultivate Emotional Resilience

  • Mimetic desire often triggers envy, insecurity, or dissatisfaction. Understanding it can:
    • Help you let go of unhealthy comparisons.
    • Foster gratitude and contentment with your own life.
  • Example: Instead of feeling inadequate because your peers are buying houses or getting promotions, you focus on your unique journey.

Mimetic Desire and Personal Growth

While mimetic desire can often lead to negative outcomes—such as jealousy, rivalry, and social division—it also offers opportunities for personal growth and self-reflection. By becoming aware of how much of our desires are shaped by others, we can begin to question whether those desires align with our true values or whether we are merely responding to external pressures.

Self-awareness is a powerful tool in breaking the cycle of mimetic desire. Once we recognize the influence of others’ desires on our own, we can more consciously decide what we truly want and why. This doesn’t necessarily mean abandoning all social influence, but rather learning to navigate our desires with greater authenticity and intention. Ultimately, it allows us to cultivate a sense of autonomy and fulfillment that is not dependent on external validation or comparison.

Mimetic desire reveals a crucial truth about human nature: we are not solitary beings, but social creatures deeply influenced by those around us. This theory sheds light on the dynamics of competition, conflict, and social influence that shape much of human behavior. By understanding mimetic desire, we gain insight not only into the conflicts and tensions that arise in society but also into the deeper mechanisms that drive our personal choices. While the imitative nature of desire can sometimes be destructive, it also holds the potential for transformation, allowing us to move from imitation to genuine, conscious self-expression.

habit building tool : effect-ease mastery matrix

Effect-Ease Mastery Matrix: Definitive Tool To Build Habits For Success

Posted on by Divya Toshniwal

Success being a very relative term can differ for every individual. But one definition is common: success is when you achieve the goal that you had set for yourself.

-Divya

We all have goals and we all want to achieve them. At the beginning of each year, we set New Year’s resolutions for ourselves. We set high goals and dedicatedly try to achieve them with all the effort that we can possibly put into it. For a few days, everything seems up, and then one day we fall. Well, that is not the problem. The problem is that we don’t get up again.

Goal setting is easy but to work on them and achieve them, we need dedication, consistency, and habits.

So, when I understood this very basic problem and very simple solution, I started working on my habits. I listed down all the habits that could get me closer to my goal and incorporated all of them into my daily routine. Things were good for the next week and then the habits slipped out of my routine one after the other. I was back to my normal self by the end of the 44th day. My simple solution was not so simple after all.

Eventually, after working on myself for a long time, I came up with the Effect-Ease Mastery Matrix (EEMM) tool to Build Habits.

Effect-Ease Mastery Matrix

The Effect-Ease Mastery Matrix is a tool that helps individuals evaluate and categorize habits based on two critical dimensions: Effectiveness in achieving your goals (vertical axis) and Easiness to incorporate and continue (horizontal axis). This can effectively work as a habit-building worksheet. By plotting habits on this matrix, individuals can gain insights into the balance between the effort required to establish a habit and its potential impact on achieving personal or professional goals. Each habit falls into one of four quadrants based on these two criteria.

Effect-Ease Mastery Matrix : Habit Building Tool

Quadrant 1: Balanced Achievers

The Sweet Spot of Success

Habits in this quadrant strike a harmonious balance between effectiveness and ease of implementation. They are both effective in contributing to one’s goals and manageable in terms of the effort required. These are the habits that can bring about quite a big change with moderate levels of effort. But finding such habits may not be that easy. It will need a little creativity and innovation too. The tagline for this quadrant is “The Sweet Spot of Success,” highlighting the optimal balance achieved between effort and impact.

Quadrant 2: Challenging Champions

Where Grit Meets Greatness

This quadrant represents habits that are both challenging and highly effective. These habits may demand significant effort, discipline, and dedication but offer substantial rewards in terms of personal growth and goal achievement. If you have extremely high willpower and are highly adaptable to change you can pick on habits from this quadrant and you are good to go. Building these habits will bring you closer to your goals faster than anything else. The tagline for this quadrant is “Where Grit Meets Greatness,” emphasizing the resilience and determination required to conquer challenging but impactful habits.

Quadrant 3: Struggle Zone

Overcoming Obstacles on the Path to Mastery

In this quadrant, habits may be challenging to implement, but their impact on goal achievement is limited. These habits might demand a considerable amount of effort but may not bring significant results. The tagline for this quadrant is “Overcoming Obstacles on the Path to Mastery,” acknowledging the difficulties faced in pursuing habits with less tangible outcomes. Habits in this quadrant might be difficult to implement and may not bring significant results. But these may be those little things that can make you stand out from the rest of them. You should take up these only when you are the closest to your goals.

Quadrant 4: Effortless Essentials

Simplicity in Success

Here in this quadrant are habits that are easy to incorporate but do not have a high impact too. The habits that fall under this category are the ones that are not that important but you still have to do them anyway. Like, checking your emails every day. While they require minimal effort, their impact might be limited. Examples include cleaning up your desk, creating a to-do list, or minor daily tasks that don’t align with broader objectives. The tagline for this quadrant is “Simplicity in Success,” emphasizing the ease of incorporating these habits but also recognizing their limited impact. These are habits that aid your growth but do not directly impact it.

Anyone who starts building new habits should begin with something easy to incorporate and have maximum effectiveness in bringing them closer to their goals. Hence begin with habits in Quadrant 1. But also remember to not stop just there.

Effect-Ease Mastery Matrix For A Blogger

As a blogger when I divided my habits according to the effect-ease mastery matrix, this is how it looked:

Building habits is a task that needs determination, but it is important to choose habits that will keep you motivated enough to achieve your goals. If you keep on challenging yourself with habits that are tough to incorporate and do not give any immediate result you may lose your intrinsic motivation to keep going. Hence, this Effect-Ease Mastery Matrix acts as a tool for you to decide where you should start.

are you stuck in a situationship

Are You Stuck in a Situationship? Signs, Benefits and Breaking Free From an Unwanted Situationship

Posted on by Divya Toshniwal

“I don’t want to ruin what we have by putting too much pressure on it.”

“I’m not sure if I’m ready to be exclusive.”

“I’m not looking for anything serious.”

“I like spending time with you, but I’m not sure what I want.”

“I’m not seeing anyone else, but I’m not ready to commit to you either.”

“Let’s just see where this goes.”

Are such sentences sounding familiar to you? Then this article is what you need to read right now. You might be in a situationship without even knowing it.

situationship

What is a Situationship?

A situationship is when you have a romantic relationship where the status of your relationship is not defined. It is an undefined, unlabeled, non-committed relationship that is mostly sexual or casual in nature.

Sometimes this situationship may be a mutual decision but sometimes it so happens that you do not even know but you are stuck in such a relationship, where you give your 100% in a relationship while the other person is not ready to commit.

Situationship Vs Dating

Here is how a situationship is different than dating :

The first and foremost difference between situationship and dating is that while dating the status of the relationship is defined. Both partners know well the rules of dating and the boundaries of the relationship are also set. While in a situationship mostly both partners do not know where the relationship is going, what expectations one should have and where one should set the boundaries.

The level of commitment in a situationship and in dating also differ. Dating involves a deeper connection and a stronger commitment. Situationships on the other hand may have weaker commitments or no commitments at all.

Dating offers more clarity about the relationship and its future. It is hence good for people who want a long-term relationship. A situationship is short-term and temporary. It gives you more freedom of moving in and out of the relationship.

Signs That Show You Are in a Situationship

Here is how you can identify if you are in a situationship:

How To Identify If You Are In A Situationship

How To Get Out of an Unwanted Situationship

While a situationship can be a mutual unsaid decision between two people, sometimes you may get into one without knowing it consciously. Sometimes it may happen that you get into a relationship with more expectations while your partner may not be ready for it. This can create stress and also lead the relationship to become toxic.

Getting out of a situationship can be challenging, especially if you’ve developed feelings for your partner. However, it’s important to remember that you deserve to be in a relationship that meets your needs and provides you with the emotional support and commitment you desire. Here are some steps to help you get out of a situationship:

1. Accept your feelings and acknowledge them: It is not right or wrong to feel a certain way. Make sure you are fully aware of your emotions. Be honest with yourself about whether this situationship/ relationship is meeting your needs or is it taking away more from you than it can give back.

2. Communicate honestly: Have an honest conversation. If you have decided that you want to end this situationship for the better, you need to have an honest conversation with your partner. Communicate clearly your needs and issues. Make sure you give them closure and have one for yourself.

3. Set Boundaries: There may be situations when your partner does not want to end things and may persuade you to stay in the situationship. You should set clear boundaries and declare them to your partner.

4. Focus on self-care: Anything and everything that is hampering your peace of mind and impacting you negatively in any way need to go. The most important thing is self-care. Take some time out of your busy world and the toxicity of relations. This time needs to be only yours. Focus on things that you love, that help you grow and all this should be without bothering about the world. (Learn more about self-care here )

5. Do not hesitate to take support: Taking help from others is not a bad thing. If you are in a situation of cofusion or you need any kind of support you can always turn to people who are your well wishers. If you do not want to discuss your conditions with known people or you are not comfortable with and friends or family you can always connect for professional help to a counselor or coach.

Remember, getting out of a situationship can be difficult, but it’s important to prioritize your own needs and happiness. By taking the steps above, you can begin to move on from the situationship and find a relationship that provides you with the emotional support and commitment you desire.

How Can a Situationship Benefit You?

Situationship is not all bad if both partners are on the same page. A successful situationship can provide a lot of benefits, some of which are listed below:

1.Freedom and Independence: Being in a situationship keeps you away from the burden of expectations that many relationships carry. It can help you focus more on yourself and your own growth both personally and in your career.

2.Emotional companionship: At the end of the day, you do have someone to talk to and that is one of the major benefits that a situationship gives you.

3.Physical companionship: Physical intimacy releases hormones like oxytocin and endorphins, which can help reduce stress, promote relaxation, and improve overall well-being. It can serve as a way to unwind and escape from the pressures of daily life.

4.Exploration and self-discovery: A situationship can help you identify the various dynamic of different relations and help discover your needs from a relationship. It offers an opportunity to learn about one’s preferences, boundaries, and compatibility without the immediate commitment associated with a traditional relationship.

5.Being in the moment: In a situationship you can avoid all the pressure of creating a future together and just live in the moment. enjoy and explore this kind of relationship without any complications of thinking about what will happen next.

Situationships may have their benefits but they may not be suitable for everyone. Communication, honesty, and clear expectations are crucial to ensuring that both partners are on the same page and content with the arrangement.

how to strengthen your willpower and avoid temptations

Boosting Your Willpower: How to Avoid Temptations and Strengthen Your Willpower

Posted on by Divya Toshniwal

Willpower, Determination, Conviction, Drive, and Self-control. There are many names by which you can call this emotion, but what it simply means is deciding upon something and seeing it through no matter what. Willpower is the ability to resist short-term temptations in order to achieve your long-term goals. A strong will can reap many benefits and help you reach your goals.

Understanding Willpower and How It Works

Willpower is the ability to keep moving forward even when things are not going your way. When you have a deep-seated desire and the intention to fulfill it, that is what starts your journey toward anything in life. It is quite easy to build a desire and take a pledge to fulfill it. It is also easy to start on the path with your initial motivation to get something or achieve something. The real test begins when you face obstructions and failures. This is when your willpower comes into action and helps you to keep moving.

The most important thing here is the intention. Your intention and the intensity of your desires are the most important factor in determining the strength of your willpower. To keep moving and gather new energy every time you face any obstacle you need to have very strong conviction.

Harnessing the Power of Willpower to Reach Your Goals

When a river leaves its abode in the mountains to meet the sea, it has to cross through the heartland filled with many obstructions. There are times when it needs to break those obstacles and sometimes change its course, it needs to modify according to the needs of the time and situation.

There is no highway to reach your goals, you have to carve out a path like a river does in order to keep flowing.

Divya Toshniwal

One of the key factors in someone’s success is willpower. It is said that successful is that person who can get up one more time than the number of times he has failed. The energy that is needed to get up that one extra time is your determination. It is essential to have strong willpower in order to be successful in life because no success comes without facing failures or obstacles, and when that happens you need to keep your motivation levels up and your intentions intact. The hope for a bright future and achievement of goals needs the base of strong willpower to grow on.

benefits of strong willpower

Benefits of Strong Willpower

  • Increased Self-Control: Strong willpower can help you increase your self-control. It helps you fight the desire for instant gratification and avoid temptations. When you can avoid temptations that are immediately gratifying, you can focus on your long-term goals and align yourself with them.
  • Better Decision-Making: When you have the ability to avoid immediate temptation and have a long-term vision, it becomes easier for you to make decisions that would have a permanent and long-term impact on your dreams and goal.
  • Better Focus: Better willpower gives you the ability to avoid distractions that otherwise disrupt your concentration. This will help you use your time effectively and be more productive.
  • Avoid Procrastination: Your willpower can help you overcome procrastination and boost your productivity. Procrastination is the act of delaying or postponing tasks, often due to a lack of motivation, interest in the task at hand, or maybe sheer laziness. The entire concept of procrastination is based on weak willpower and the need to get instant gratification. Having strong willpower can eliminate a number of issues that are caused by procrastination.
  • Healthy Life: All the unhealthy lifestyle choices that we make in life are for instant gratification. We eat junk food because it gratifies our taste buds right now, we laze around and do not work out because it avoids the struggle that the body has to go through, we drink alcohol for the instant kick we get, and so on. We give in to our temptations. Having strong willpower will help you make healthy choices, such as exercising regularly, eating a balanced diet, and avoiding harmful habits like smoking or excessive drinking.
  • Increased happiness: By resisting temptation and making positive choices, you may experience greater feelings of accomplishment, satisfaction, and well-being in the long run. You will find yourself being more content in your life.
how to strengthen willpower and avoid temptations

How to Improve Willpower and Avoid Temptations

Strengthening willpower is a gradual process and requires consistent effort and discipline. Be patient and persistent, and don’t be discouraged by setbacks or lapses. Here are a few things that will help you improve your willpower and avoid temptations for instant gratification.

  • Set realistic and achievable goals: Create a plan to achieve your long-term goals and make sure you break them down into some short-term goals. I call these mini-goals. Achieving these mini-goals in the journey will keep you motivated to focus on your long-term goals. This little satisfaction keeps you going and helps you avoid the diversions you may take for instant gratification.
  • Surround yourself with support: Be with friends, family, and supportive people who inspire you to achieve long-term goals and not with the ones who push you to give in to your temptations.
  • Identify your triggers: You will be surprised to know but there may be certain triggers to your temptations. You may tend to eat more junk food when you are stressed or you may binge-watch when you are delayed on your timeline to achieve a goal. Try to identify what breaks your ability to stay focused and determined and work on them.
  • Practice Mindfulness: Be here in this moment and avoid thinking about the things that tempt you to break down and leave behind your long-term goals. Mindfulness can help increase self-awareness and improve decision-making by reducing the influence of emotions and impulses.
  • Avoid Decision Fatigue: Decision fatigue is a real problem. When you have to take multiple decisions you exhaust yourself more. And when you are mentally exhausted you tend to give in to your temptations more easily.
  • Get enough sleep: Sleep deprivation can decrease your mental strength and the capacity of your brain to work efficiently and push itself to work harder. In such situations, you will feel weaker and in reduced capacity to exert your willpower. [Also read: 7 SLEEP MISTAKES THAT YOU ARE MAKING AND HOW TO FIX THEM ]
  • Eat healthy and exercise regularly: When you are physically fit, you have more control over your mental strength too. You can thus have more conviction towards your goals and be more focused without having any distractions.

Everyone is different and what works for one person may not work for another. It’s important to experiment and find what works best for you.

Mindful Relationships

Mindful Relationships: Building Strong Bonds and Understanding Mental Health in Relationships

Posted on by Divya Toshniwal

Maintaining relationships is not an easy task. It is about adjusting to a new person, understanding and delicately balancing both your needs. With so much going on in your own personal life, adding the aspect of a relationship can be very taxing, but everyone needs a companion and hence we crave that togetherness. The problem arises when this relationship becomes a burden instead of a support. There are a variety of reasons why this may happen but let us talk about solutions and not problems. The solution is simple and that is maintaining mindful relationships.

Maintaining mindful relationships can be affected your mental health and having mindful relationships can turn around your mental health for the better too. Nobody is perfect, but two imperfect people can also make a perfect relationship that works for them.

What are Mindful Relationships?

Most of us today are not paying too much attention to our relationships these days. We do a lot of stuff to get into a relationship with someone we like and then once we are comfortable with each other we start taking each other for granted. We spend more time on our phones than with our partners and this creates relationship loneliness. There are people in this world who don’t have someone to share their life with, but I believe the worst is the case for those who do have someone and still are lonely. It is extremely important for us to realize this loneliness and turn it around by being more mindful in our relationships.

Mindful relationships are relationships where individuals practice mindfulness and consciously be aware of their interactions and communication with one another. This type of relationship is characterized by open and honest communication, empathy, non-judgment, and a focus on personal growth and self-improvement. The goal is to cultivate a deeper connection, understanding, and appreciation for one another.

Effect of Bad Mental Health on Relationships

Effect of Bad Mental Health on Relationships

When you are in a relationship, your personal mental health will matter a lot. If you carry the baggage of emotional setbacks and mental health issues it is bound to affect your relationships too. Bad mental health can have a significant impact on relationships in several ways:

  • Communication issues: Mental health struggles can make it difficult for individuals to express themselves, leading to misunderstandings and conflict. People may also be hesitant to express themselves or too arrogant and loud in their expressions due to previous bad experiences. These little misunderstandings and communication gaps can create a big rift between the partners.
  • Intimacy issues: These can be both physical and mental. When someone goes through mental health issues it may become tougher for them to be physically intimate in their relationships. But it is not restricted to only physical intimacy, any form of intimacy where they feel vulnerable may become tough for them.
  • Stress and Burnout: Troubled mental health in one person can create stress and burnout in both partners when in a relationship. This puts an additional strain on the relationship, which itself is going through its own phase of adjustments. Your stress can create an unpleasant atmosphere where it can become the cause of killing the positivity and joy in your relationship and may put off your partner too. [ Also read: The unrecognized signs of stress and how to effectively deal with stress and burnout]
  • Emotional outbursts: Mental health problems can lead to mood swings, irritability, and outbursts, making it challenging to manage emotions in a healthy and productive way. When you have unregulated emotions even the littlest of things can tip you. This makes it extremely tough for your partner to navigate through. It is like always walking on eggshells and never knowing how you would react.
  • Toxicity: A toxic relationship is where you are suffering from dynamics and behaviors that are physically, mentally, or emotionally taxing. One of the things that majorly lead to a toxic relationship is the mental health conditions of one/both partners. [Also read how to deal with toxic relations]
  • Insensitivity: Your mental health issues can make you insensitive towards your partner’s feelings and vice versa.

In a mindful relationship, partners prioritize their mental and emotional well-being and make an effort to stay present in the moment. They listen actively, communicate openly, and seek to understand each other’s perspectives and emotions. They also work to recognize and manage their own thoughts, feelings, and reactions and avoid reactivity.

Practicing mindfulness in relationships can lead to greater empathy, compassion, and intimacy. It can also help to reduce conflicts, increase resilience, and promote personal growth for both partners.

However, it requires effort and commitment from both partners and requires continuous self-reflection and communication. Maintaining a mindful relationship requires regular intentional practices and a commitment to personal growth and development.

How To Maintain Mindful Relationships

How To Maintain Mindful Relationships

It’s important to seek professional help if mental health struggles are affecting a relationship. With the right support, individuals can learn to manage their mental health, improve communication, and strengthen their relationships. But here are a few practices that can help you cultivate a mindful relationship.

Practice Self Awareness

To know and understand your partner, you need to understand yourself first. If you do not know where you stand you cannot create a path to where you want to go. Hence self-awareness is the first step in any journey you want to take. Understand your value systems, temperament, your personality, your interests, your strengths, and weaknesses before you try to analyze the other person. [Also read: Vitals of self-awareness]

Open Communication

While getting into a relationship, the worst mistake we do is creating a fake impression. After a few days when we cannot carry the burden of the fake personality we were carrying, the relationship collapses. Hence, it is very important to be true to yourself and to your partner from the beginning of a relationship. Encourage open, honest, and non-judgmental communication with your partner.

Listen Actively

Most of us listen with a purpose and sadly the purpose is to give back a reply. This is where miscommunication starts when you do not listen to understand what the other person is saying but give them a reply. Practice active listening, showing empathy and understanding of your partner’s perspective.

Stay Present

One of the biggest issues that are faced by most people in a relationship is that their partners spend more time on their phones than with them. Every individual has so many distractions that the ability to just be there in the moment is almost disappearing. Make an effort to stay present at the moment, instead of getting lost in thoughts or distractions.

Regulate Your Emotions

Your unmanaged emotions can be a big issue not only for you but also for your partner. Learn to regulate your emotions in a healthy way and avoid reactivity. Try to build emotional resilience. Understand more about emotional intelligence and how you can use the power of your emotions.

Practice Gratitude

The need to always have more is what is killing relationships these days. We focus more on what our partners did not do for us than whatever they have done for us. If they have a good sense of humor, we complain they are not caring enough, if they are caring we say they are possessive, if they give us freedom and space then we complain they don’t spend enough time with us, and so on. Nothing ever is enough. We have forgotten to appreciate what they do for us. Express appreciation and gratitude for your partner and the relationship. It will change your relationship to a great extent.

Foster empathy

Empathy is a very crucial tool to cultivate mindful relationships. The ability to understand something from your partner’s point of view will help you see the larger picture and avoid any kinds of miscommunications and misunderstandings. Seek to understand and empathize with your partner’s feelings, experiences, and perspectives.

Be Kind and Give Compliments

A few words of kindness on a hectic and stressful day can bring a smile to your partner’s face. If they have had a tough day take the burden off their shoulders, help them relax, treat them with something they love, or maybe give them some ‘me time’. Tell them you are proud of them. Tell them they deserve this break. Show kindness and compassion to your partner, even in challenging times.

Set Boundaries

Clearly define and communicate your needs and boundaries in the relationship. Both you and your partner should be aware of your respective boundaries. Both of you should respect each other’s individuality and identity in this relationship.

Invest in Self-Growth

A very crucial aspect of mindful relationships is that you do not forget yourself and your personal growth. Personal stagnation can also lead to stagnation in your relationships which may lead to feelings of being stuck. Cultivate personal growth and self-improvement to enhance your relationship and bring more positivity to it.

Benefits of Mindful Relationships on Your Mental Health

There are a number of improvements that you will notice in your mental health when you start practicing mindfulness in your relationships. Here are a few that may motivate you to do so.

Reduced Stress and Anxiety

When you are in a mindful relationship, your partner becomes your companion and not a competitor. You do not have to fight with them to make them understand your stressors and anxiety. They would know your needs and respect your boundaries. They will make your life easier, hence, reducing overall stress and anxiety in your life and improving your mental health.

Increased Feelings of Security

Mindful relationships lead to a sense of security in relationships. It assures you that you have a safe space to talk. A place where you will not be judged and where you can open your heart in front of your partner without the fear of what they would think.

Improved Connectedness

In a world that is full of profit and loss-based relationships, you have someone whom you can rely on for good and honest opinions and suggestions. Someone is there to love you and guide you without being biased. When you are attentive toward each other and listen to each other you can connect to each other smoothly.

Decreased Loneliness and Depression

Mindful relationships can provide a source of support and reduce feelings of loneliness and depression. Having a space that is safe and non-judgmental helps you process your emotions well. Having someone to listen to you and empathize with you reduces feelings of loneliness. But most importantly compassion, compliments, kindness, and appreciation are what help you deal with the feelings of depression and loneliness that a lot of us suffer from today.

Increased Resilience and Emotional Regulation

Mindful relationships help you to manage your own emotions and build better emotional resilience. Your partner acts as a support towards your personal emotional growth. They help you develop greater resilience and coping skills in managing difficult emotions, promoting overall well-being.

Increased Self-confidence

Hearing the words of kindness and appreciation gives your self-confidence a boost. Even when the world is against you, there is a feeling of support from your partner and sometimes that is more than enough to keep going and achieving your goals.

Personal Growth

In a mindful relationship, your partner makes sure that you are not held back. They will support your growth and work for it along with you. They will inspire you to grow and achieve goals that you could not even imagine for yourself. Since they show unconditional confidence in you and you can trust them for putting on the table their honest opinions and suggestions, it helps you a lot in your personal journey of growth.

Remember, mindfulness in relationships takes effort and commitment, and it’s a continuous process of self-reflection, growth, and communication.

P.S. It’s important to seek professional help if mental health struggles are affecting a relationship. With the right support, individuals can learn to manage their mental health, improve communication, and strengthen their relationships. To build stronger connections and cultivate mindful relationships you can also connect to a relationship coach to help you navigate through this wonderful journey.

dealing with a toxic relationship

Dealing with a Toxic Relationship: Tips and Strategies for Protecting Yourself

Posted on by Divya Toshniwal

Toxic relationships can be harmful to your well-being. Learn to recognize the warning signs of a toxic relationship and take steps to protect yourself. From constant criticism to physical abuse, these tips will help you identify and address toxic behavior.

What is a Toxic Relationship?

A toxic relationship is where you are sufferring from dynamics and behaviors that are physically, mentally or emotionally taxing. So much so that they hamper you peace of mind and sometimes can go to so extreme that you are not able to carry out even your day to day activities.

In a toxic relationship, one or both parties may feel trapped, controlled, or manipulated and the relationship is often characterized by a lack of trust and healthy communication. These types of relationships can have a negative impact on a person’s self-esteem, mental health, and overall well-being. It’s essential to recognize and address toxic behavior in order to improve or end the relationship.

How Can a Toxic Relationship Harm You?

Being in a toxic relationship can be extremely harmful for you. Here are a few impacts that it may have on your life.

  1. Physical abuse can lead to injuries, chronic pain, and long-term health problems.
  2. Constant criticism or disrespectful behavior can lead to feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt.
  3. Living in a constant state of stress or fear can lead to mental health issues such as anxiety and depression.
  4. A toxic relationship can make it hard for you to trust others in future relationships. Being in a toxic relationship can make it hard for you to maintain healthy relationships with others
  5. Being in a toxic relationship can make you shut down your feelings as you are used to being denied validation for your own feelings.
  6. Sometimes a toxic relationship can be so traumatic that it can lead to major psychological issues like PTSD.
signs of a toxic relationship

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

There are various warning signs that we keep ignoring in case of a toxic relationship. Sometimes because of love and affection, sometimes because of lack of courage, and sometimes just because it is easier to tolerate than to fight for our peace. Here are a few signs that you should consider being a red flag in a relationship.

  1. If your partner is physically abusive, there is no second thought about it. You immediately need to take action against them and save yourself from such a relationship.
  2. Gaslighting or manipulation by your partner. If you feel you are being controlled by your partner and that you are stuck somewhere it’s a clear red flag.
  3. Your partner is not willing to take any responsibility for their own actions and blames you for everything that goes wrong.
  4. If your partner criticizes you for your every move and nothing you do is ever enough for them your relationship has turned toxic.
  5. Your partner is disrespectful towards you and humiliates you in private and/ or public.
  6. When your partner is emotionally unstable and their own emotional burdens are hampering your peace and your life it is better to start searching for solutions.
  7. Another hidden sign of a toxic relationship is when your partner makes it your responsibility to keep them happy and guild you into feeling bad if they are upset for some reason.
  8. You and your partner do not have any healthy communication and every conversation turns into a fight.
  9. Another red flag is your partner being overly possessive about you and jealous of every person you talk to or connect to.
how to deal with toxic relationship

How to Deal With a Toxic Relationship?

If you suspect that you are in a toxic relationship, it’s important to take steps to protect yourself and address the problem. Here are some things you can do:

Setting Boundaries : You need to make it very clear to the other person what is and what isn’t acceptable to you. Be very clear in communication your likes and dislikes. Tell them what is acceptable to you and what are the things that you cannot tolerate. Boundaries have to be both emotional and physical at times. Assess both your needs and find the right balance that is acceptable to both of you. It’s also important to remember that boundaries can change over time and to be willing to adjust them as needed.

Recognize and Accept the Issues : Every relationship has their own issues. There will be differences between you and your partner no matter how well you blend in with each other. The problem arises when you are not ready accept that there is a problem. Recognize the problem and do not deny it. You can address and issue only when you understand it.

Work on Your Communication Patterns : Identify your communication pattern. Are you passive aggressive, do you avoid having difficult conversations, are you very competitive towards one another , are you both emotionally volatile and so on . Work on validating each others feelings. You may not agree with each other’s point of views but validate their feelings and perspectives. This leads to open and effective communication.

Consider Couple’s Therapy : Being stuck in a toxic relationship does not always mean that you partner is purposely making your life hell. At times they might not even realise what is happening and at times you may not realise that the issues are not that big as you think them to be. Consider going for couples therapy to get more clarity and balance your relationship in a way that works for both of you.

Get out of the relationship : Ultimately, if the relationship is toxic and cannot be repaired, it may be best to end it. Remember that you deserve to be in a healthy and happy relationship. It’s also important to seek help as soon as possible if you feel that you’re in a toxic relationship which cannot be saved, as this can help to mitigate some of the harmful effects that such a relation may leave on you.

Focus on self: To maintain your physical and mental health , it is important that you work on building your strengths, developing your mental health and focus on your growth. Build a self-care routine focusing on overall growth.

It’s important to remember that toxic relationships often progress over time, so it’s important to address issues as soon as they arise. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help if you need it.

Also Read : 7 Steps To Have A Healthier Relationship With Your Partner

Cognitive Health in A Mid-Life Crisis

Cognitive Health in a Mid-Life Crisis

Posted on by Divya Toshniwal

The mid-life crisis comes into the picture of an adult around the age of 40 to 55. This is a stressful time in an adult’s life when they shift to a new zone in their professional and personal lives. Their sense and dimension of responsibilities change from what they used to be at a young age. A person also starts to think about the limited number of years they have and what they want to accomplish in them. They start doubting the meaning of their life and their desire to leave an impact and live fruitful life increases. Along with all the emotional turmoil that a person is going through in this phase of life, there is also a significant impact on their cognitive health. Focusing on your cognitive health in a mid-life crisis can be a life-changing step you take. But before we start with how to maintain your cognitive health in a mid-life crisis let us understand what a mid-life crisis is.

What is the Mid-Life Crisis?

Have you ever asked yourself ‘ WHO AM I? ‘ or ‘WHERE AM I GOING? ‘ or sometimes it may be ‘ WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?’

A mid-life crisis can be defined as a time period of emotional turmoil and anxiety that is suffered particularly by people ages 40-55. This confusion and anxiety are created by the difference in where they are in life and what they want in life.

According to Erikson, in midlife, a person faces the crisis of generativity vs stagnation.

The mid-life crisis generally begins due to the unwelcome changes that aging brings about. It can be a realization of your own mortality, changes in your health conditions, panic over unrealized ambitions, changes in your appearance, your children becoming more self-dependent, changes in your financial stability, and so on.

Signs That You Are Going through a Mid-Life Crisis

Signs of midlife crisis
  1. Decreased self-confidence
  2. Overly concerned about your appearance or what others think about you
  3. Sudden changes in mood and increasing irritability
  4. Reduced motivation levels and doubts regarding the goals you have set.
  5. Thoughts about your existence, the purpose of your life or death.
  6. Reduced energy levels and sexual desires.
  7. Boredom and /or frustration with your job, relationship, or life in general.
  8. Hypochondria and exaggerated health concerns.
  9. Overthinking about each and everything. [ Also read about the patterns of overthinking and how you can stop it ]
  10. Becoming irrational or anti-social.

Impact of Mid-Life Crisis on Cognitive Abilities:

The mid-life crisis has a huge psychological impact on an individual and along with that, there is also a decrement in the cognitive abilities to deal with. It is important that in such a stage of life, along with increased attentiveness towards one’s physical health, there also should be equal attention paid to one’s cognitive health.

Cognitive abilities that start decrementing along with age are mostly – memory, processing speed, organization, and orientation. With a reduction in the capacity to store and recall things the reduced memory capacity of individual impacts the overall productivity of the individual. As the ability to process data reduces the efficiency of the individual reduces too.

Various research has shown that cognitive abilities are high during mid-life. Research also shows that how you deal with this mid-life crisis and how you use your cognitive abilities during this time period sets the stage for your cognitive health in the coming years.

maintaining cognitive health in a mid-life crisis

How to Maintain Cognitive Health in a Mid-Life Crisis?

The following things can help in maintaining cognitive health during a mid-life crisis:

1. Brain-training Games: It is important that we engage in mentally challenging activities regularly in order to keep our brains active and working. Solve puzzles, and crosswords or learn a new skill. Challenge your brain with something new. So, if you have been an accountant or a data analyst for 25 or 30 years then you should probably take an art class or an archery class. The basic message is to do something new and unrelated to what you have been doing as a profession. You will develop new synapses for everything new you learn.

2. Social Interaction: Research has shown that social interactions boost your cognitive abilities. Participation in social activities can have a significant impact on lowering the risk of cognitive decline. Building social networks and participating in social activities can be extremely effective for improving your cognitive function.

3. Physical Fitness: Physical workouts can help improve your cognitive function. It reduces anxiety and depression too. In older adults, higher muscle strength is associated with slower cognitive decline. Physical exercise helps to develop better memory, enhances mood, and also improves sleep.

4. Adaptability: The world is changing and it is changing quickly. It is obvious that many of us do not feel at par with the upcoming generation, technological advancement, and the changing thought process of people. Everything may seem so different than it was when you were growing up. You may feel left behind and that may add to your mid-life crisis. Being adaptable and open to new experiences will create new paths and will help you to be in touch with what really is going on in the world.

5. Good Sleep Hygiene: Sleep patterns can be disturbed during this phase of life, the reasons for which can be multiple. Having good sleep can be a life-changer to maintaining your cognitive health in a mid-life crisis. To do so it is important to build a sleep hygiene routine.

6 Step Sleep Routine for Better Sleep

6. Healthy Diet: High consumption of fruits and vegetables have been linked to reduction in cognitive disorders. Plant based food are best to improve you cognitive function. Poor diet that are classified as junk food and aren’t enough nutritious are linked to demetia and other cognitive disorders in old age.

7. Stop Multi-tasking: Multi-tasking also impacts your cognition adversely. When you mullti-task, the capacity of your brain to perform decreases. Multi-tasking slows you down and also lowers your IQ. It was believed that this decline in cognition was temporary , but the new studies have shown otherwise. Multi-tasking can cause permanent damages.

8. Meditation: Meditation can improve a number of cognitive functions including attention, memory, decision making and executive functioning. Meditation help you focus on the current moment and thus reduces overthinking and its accompanying adverse mental health issues like depression and anxiety.

9. Learn to Manage Stress : Stress is inevitable , you cannot eliminate it from your life. So instead of trying to avoid any stressful situation learn how to manage stress. Here are few tried and tested ways to reduce stress.

benefits of using mind mapping tool

The Benefits of Mind-Mapping

Posted on by Divya Toshniwal

Among the various tools of brainstorming, mind-mapping has been the most popular and common among life coaches all around the world. Whether it is for setting up your goals or taking action on achieving them, mind-mapping works on both aspects. Whether it is to create something from scratch or to resolve issues in already established ideas, mind mapping is an efficient tool for both. There are various benefits of mind-mapping but before we get into that we need to understand what is mind-mapping and how this tool exactly works.

What is Mind-Mapping?

Mind-mapping is a graphical representation of the brainstorming you do around a central idea. The process to use the mind-mapping tool is simple. Mind-mapping starts with one central idea and whatever related information or ideas you have around that central idea are noted down around that idea displayed as different branches. Similar ideas are grouped under one branch. This helps you get all information and creative ideas on one screen to view in one glance.

The Benefits of Mind-Mapping as a Tool for Coaching

  1. Makes learning meaningful – Mind- Mapping promotes conceptual learning instead of rote learning. When graphically represented the connections between the ideas come our clearer and stronger. This makes learning more meaningful.
  2. Increases Creativity- One of the benefits of mind-mapping is that is promotes and increases creative thinking abilities. Mind mapping allows you to expand on ideas using trigger words. It creates association between the ideas which helps you to identify connections that were not visible otherwise.
  3. Helps with Memorization- When you see connections between your ideas it becomes easier to memorize the concepts. Rote learning is a formula of past and now it is important to understand the concepts and connections to work on ideas.
  4. Simplifies – The greatest benefit of mind mapping that I have found though is that it simplifies complex ideas, connections, processes and problems. When all the aspects of a particular concepts are laid out in front of you with all possible connections and the representations show you how each idea is derived it simplifies even the most complex problems.

How can you use Mind-Mapping to achieve your goals?

When we talk about coaching , most of us refer to coaching for goal achievement. So, let us now see how mind-mapping can help you have clearer goals and also a well defined path to achieve them.

Steps to follow:

  1. Right your goal in the centre of the page
  2. From the left side start building on paths that can lead to it from separate directions
  3. To the right start building how achieving this goal will affect your life.
  4. On the bottom set up alternative goals or opportunity cost
  5. On the top list the obstacles that you may face and skills that you need.
  6. Feel free to branch out anything you see relevant to the goal.

Example of mind-mapping:

mind-mapping
7 steps to a healthier relationship

7 Steps To Have A Healthier Relationship With Your Partner

Posted on by Divya Toshniwal

Of all relationships you have in your life, be it with friends or family, a romantic relationship is the most special. You expect the most from it and you give the most in it. In spite of all you give and all you receive, you still have so many complaints from each other. You have so many fights and so many disagreements. To help you out in having a healthier relationship here are a few suggestions from my personal experience.

Solve problems without a third party

Every relationship has its share of fights. How you resolve your fight is of utmost importance, much more than how important the matter of fight was. If you bring in other people to resolve your fights, it is a red flag. Whether it be friends or family, do not take your unresolved issues to any third person. That is the first rule.

Reason one is because they don’t know this relationship as well as you do and two, they may find their own interest or may carry their own burdens in their suggestions.

couple fight pic

Don’t compare your relationship with those in books and movies

This is one mistake that most of us make. Growing up we admire some Mr or Ms. Perfect from one of our favorite novels or perhaps a movie and then start imagining our life partner to be like them. You see the beautiful love stories and wish yours would turn out the same. You choose a partner that you think is like them and later in the relationship you realize they are not. The problem arises when you expect them to become the fictional character that you were in love with.

Shake yourself and realize, those were fictional characters created by storytellers so that you would love their stories. Such people don’t exist and nor do perfect relationships. The extra romantic and flawless relationships are just a work of fiction. In real life, you will fight, sometimes you will want the kill each other but the beauty lies in the fact that you still will want to live with each other.

My husband says, ‘ Marry the person you can fight with your entire life and still be together.’ Though I hated this when he said it to me for the first time, I can’t agree more today.

Love the person, not their image in your head.

Divya Toshniwal

Give each other space

Give each other the space to be themselves. Give them space to do what they love to do and allow them to spend their time as they wish to. Different interests and lifestyles mean more clashing if you want to stick around all the time with your partner. It is ok to do things separately. If you like reading while your partner loves to watch movies, it is absolutely ok. You are allowed to spend your leisure time without clinging to each other sometimes. It is good to spend time together but it isn’t necessary to always do that.

Listen

Most people suggest communicating well and no doubt that is extremely important for couples but to have a healthier relationship, it is more important to listen. Listen to each other’s stories, even when they don’t interest you. Your partner should always know that they have a safe space to go. No matter what’s good and what’s bad in the world there is one place where you can be you and no one is judging you.

In my opinion: If your partner thinks of you every time they have anything to say, then you have won. You have won at giving them safe space and becoming the comfort of your partner.

Also Read : How To Improve Your Communication Skills

Eat atleast one meal together

No matter how busy your days are, have at least one meal together. For most of us, we cannot have lunch together because of our work engagements, but breakfast or dinner together can be turning points. Having that time with each other where you can talk about your days and about further plannings can give you the ultimate communication you have been missing. Make a point to not talk about controversial topics at this time. Keep your conversations pleasant. If you don’t have much in common to talk about someday, watch a light comedy show like The Big Bang Theory, FRIENDS, Sarabhai vs Sarabhai, Sumit Sambhal Lega ( these are some of my personal favorites).

Another suggestion is to eat from the same plate. Though it may not seem to make a difference, trust me it does. ( unless you are having 2 different meals)

steps to have a healthier relationship

Understand the power of physical intimacy

Whether it is to resolve a fight or to express your love, physical intimacy can be the master key. Physical Intimacy doesn’t always mean having sex. A gentle touch, a kiss, or a hug, all are forms of physical intimacy. Physical intimacy is about the closeness between your bodies and the comfort you feel in them. A long hug gives you a release of oxytocin, increasing your feelings of love and trust towards each other. Hugs and cuddles are also said to reduce your stress, pain and also reduce the cravings for alcohol or any other substance abuse.

Find one common activity that both of you like

Most couples I have seen, try to highlight the ways they are different. Our food habits don’t match, our hobbies don’t match, our lifestyle is different or our life purpose is different. So, wake up. Your partner is a different person. If you wanted a person who is exactly like you then you should have cloned yourself to date with. Every person is different and so is your partner.

So to create that intimacy and spend some quality time together, find one activity that you can do together. Like me and my partner, we are poles apart in many aspects of our lives but the thing that is common is we love going on long bike rides and we love traveling. Every now and then even if it’s just for 2 days we go someplace away from our busy city life and enjoy a relaxing vacation. It refreshes both of us.

Following these 7 suggestions can bring about major changes in your relationship. Do let me know your experiences when you apply them.

Anxiety of Opportunity Cost

Anxiety Of Opportunity Cost (FOBO): Symptoms and Solutions

Posted on by Divya Toshniwal

Our generation has the most choices available to them in all sections of life. Whether it be what dress to wear, which car to drive, what we should have for lunch, or where our career should go we have choices. We have ample choices in both our personal and professional lives, much more than our parents or grandparents ever had. This is what has led to a new problem and that is the anxiety of opportunity cost.

What is Anxiety?

First of all, let us clarify what anxiety means here. Anxiety is a kind of natural response that your body provides when stuck in stressful situations. It’s a feeling of nervousness, restlessness, and sometimes also fear. Although anxiety is a natural response, sometimes this response is beyond our control and that is when it starts to cause a problem. Out of various things that lead to anxiety issues, overthinking is the biggest.

Anxiety can be identified with both physiological and emotional symptoms like shivering, sweating, freezing, rise in pulse, fatigue, irritability, insomnia, and many more.

What is Opportunity Cost?

Opportunity cost is what you sacrifice when you make a choice from the given options. For example, if you had 3 hours and a choice to either watch a movie or organize your home, whichever option you choose the rejected one becomes the opportunity cost. If you choose to organize your home you did it at a cost of 3 hours of entertainment.

It is the forgone benefit that could have been derived from the option that you did not choose.

what is anxiety of opportunity cost / fobo

What is Anxiety of Opportunity Cost/ Fear Of Better Options?

Our whole life we try to make the best possible decisions for a better future. What decision of today will impact my future how is absolutely unknown. Hence, very responsibly and carefully we choose the option that we think is best for our future. But now, we have so many choices. What if the choice we made is not perfect for us?

A client of mine had several options to choose from when she graduated from school. She had taken journalism as her career. She joined a fashion magazine and started working with many high-profile people immediately. She interviewed many renowned personalities. Things were looking up for a couple of years till she realized that she should have joined the local newspaper. She thought she could have grown more in that. I asked her why she had this sudden realization. She said too that- “I and my friend both had that opportunity and I chose to get into fashion leaving behind the local newspaper offer. Today she heads her team and I am almost at the same place where I started from. If I would have chosen that I would probably be in her place.”

As a response to this, I asked her if she wanted to be in her friend’s place, to which she said she was not sure.

This client of mine was excellent at what she does and sooner or later it was sure she will get much more than she got right now. She loved the glamour and the attention that came with it. She loved meeting these people and loved the world she was working in. But still, she was anxious, she was stressed, she was worried if she had made the right choice.

This is the anxiety of opportunity cost. They worry is that if I chose one option I have to leave behind the other and what if that other option is a better choice?

You can also refer to the anxiety of opportunity cost as FOBO or fear of a better option.

Do You Have FOBO?

Here are a few signs that will help you know if you have Fear of Better Options:

  1. You spend hours in making simple decisions (even what to eat and which show to watch)
  2. You are passionate but have a fear that your passion will not take you far.
  3. You stay in a toxic relationship but refuse to be single.
  4. You have a fear of being out-competed
  5. You hold unrealistic standards and high expectations.
  6. You constantly compare your life to others
  7. You look back on options that you have rejected before.
9 ways to beat anxiety of opportunity cost

How to deal with Anxiety Of Opportunity Cost/ FOBO?

  1. Make your decisions process oriented. To satisfy your mind make sure that you convince it logically about why you are making a certain decision. This will help you stay focused and reason with yourself whenever you face FOBO.
  2. Don’t focus on ‘Keeping up with the Joneses’. What is good for them may not be good for you. Every person has their own life trajectory and trust me you don’t want to take someone else’s life.
  3. Make sure whatever goals you set in your life , resonates with your values and life purpose. [ See the HEART model for Goal Setting]
  4. Define what matter to you and not what others say is important. once you know what matters to you , you can weigh your options accordingly to pick the best choice for yourself.
  5. Focus on the long-term results and not short-term gains. Visualize its effect after say 3 years or 5 years.
  6. Avoid decision fatigue. Yes , decision fatigue is real. After you make a lot of decisions , your mind loses the capacity to make any more, making you indecisive . Every mind has its own capacity and when you will be tired is not something I can tell you. My suggestion is to automate the processes of your daily life. Avoid making small decisions that would not really matter. Like what you are wearing and what you are going to eat. Keep your mind open for questions that matter to you the most. Minimalism helped me do this . It may help you too .
  7. Learn to trust yourself. You know yourself the most and you are the one who can take the best decisions for your own life.
  8. Walk before you run. Don’t jump in just now , weigh the pros and con’s and start walking on the path you choose.
  9. Whenever you feel the anxiety of opportunity cost , take a pen and paper to list down all the reasons you chose what you did.

Emotional Intelligence: A Basic Understanding

Posted on by Divya Toshniwal

If only I had a dollar every time someone said – ” Your emotions are your weakness”, I would be a millionaire. For a major part of my life, I have heard from family, friends, and colleagues that my emotions are my weakness. They said I am taken advantage of because I am an emotional person. Yes, they were right on many occasions, I was in fact taken advantage of in many places. But in spite of that, I did not feel like my emotions were my weakness. In fact, many times I have put it under the list of my strengths. Later I got to know why. I was good at understanding emotional intelligence.

Emotions have been an integral part of us since primitive times. But for most of our time on earth, we have foolishly believed that emotions affect us negatively. We have been telling each other that we would do better in life only if we could be more logical than emotional. Nothing could be further than the truth. Emotions are the basic building block of our society. Then why is it so many times listed under weaknesses?

Emotional Intelligence: A Basic Understanding

In This Article:

  1. Why is your emotions your weakness?
  2. Benefits of Developing Emotional Intelligence
  3. Theories Of Emotional Intelligence
    1. Mayer and Salovey – EI Ability Model
    2. Bar-on – EI Competency Model
    3. Daniel Goleman – Theory of EI

Why is your emotions your weakness?

The answer to this question is very simple. The reason your emotions are your weakness is because you don’t understand them and you don’t know how to use them for your own benefit. Most of us have been treating our emotions as effects and not causes. We believe certain incidences trigger certain emotions in us. Hence emotions are believed to be on the reaction side of a transaction.

Till the time you believe that your emotions are just responses to the external stimuli, your emotions will be your weaknesses. This is because your emotions become dependent on the external stimulus and it gives the external stimulus power over your emotions.

While on the other hand, believing your emotions are on the causal side of a transaction will help you gain control of the situation and also of the external stimulus sometimes.

Benefits of Developing Emotional Intelligence

There are various benefits of having high emotional intelligence and it shows in all aspects of your life.

  1. You are able to control impulsive behaviour.
  2. You understand yourself better.
  3. You can maintain better relationsips.
  4. You have a better understanding of your strengths and weakness.
  5. You have more responsive transactions than reactive.
  6. You have better understanding of your mental health.
  7. It improves your mental and physical health
  8. You get better at communicating both professionally and personally.
  9. It increases your social skills.
  10. It develops empathy.
  11. It helps you create internal motivation.
  12. It helps in better stress management.

Theories Of Emotional Intelligence

Various theories have been proposed to understand emotional intelligence. Here is a brief about the 3 most important theories in the field of emotional intelligence.

Mayer and Salovey – EI Ability Model

One of my personal favorite Emotional Intelligence theories is the Mayer and Salovey Ability Model. According to them, emotional intelligence is all about understanding your emotions along with that of others and using these insights to guide your thoughts and behaviors. I find this definition of EI the most simple and crisp. Mayer and Salovey were the very first people to write about emotional intelligence, though the term is often related to Daniel Goleman the most as he popularized the concept with his book.

Mayer and Salovey describe emotional intelligence and its competencies in 4 broad categories:

  1. Perceiving emotions: The ability to read between the lines, understanding body language and get what was not said. This will depend on your emotional state too and hence you also need to be cautious about over analyzing the situations.
  2. Using emotions: This is about being able to use your emotions well to facilitate constructive cognitive activities. Using your emotions well refers to not being reactive but responsive to external disturbing stimuli.
  3. Understanding Emotions: Perceived emotions can carry a wide variety of menings. The ability to understand emotions , whether it is yours or that of other people is also an important part of EI. Interpreting the causes behing the emotions is a huge aspect of understanding emotions.
  4. Managing emotions: Managing emotions is a key part of EI as how you respond to your own emotions and how you treat the emotions of people around you is what defines your emotional intelligence.

Bar-on – EI Competency Model

As per the Bar-On competency model, Emotional Intelligence is a combination of emotional and social competencies. Hence this is also referred to as a mixed model. This model is derived from Darwin’s theories stating the importance of emotional expression in survival and adaptation. This model stresses how important it is to express ourselves emotionally in order to adapt and survive. It provides us with 15 social and emotional competencies that a person needs to develop to be emotionally intelligent. These competencies are related to understanding self and others, communicating with others, and coping with the changing demands of our everyday life. These competencies are listed below:

  1. Self-regard
  2. Self-actualization
  3. Emotional Self-awareness
  4. Emotional Expression
  5. Assertiveness
  6. Independence
  7. Interpersonal Relationships
  8. Empathy
  9. Social Responsibility
  10. Problem-Solving
  11. Reality Testing
  12. Impulse Control
  13. Flexibility
  14. Stress Tolerance
  15. Optimism.

Daniel Goleman – Theory of EI

The most popular theory of Emotional Intelligence is the one given by Daniel Goleman. This theory outlines 5 components of EI :

  1. Self-awareness
  2. Self- regulation
  3. Motivation
  4. Empathy
  5. Social skills

According to this theory, self-awareness, self-regulation, and motivation are listed under the personal competencies category while empathy and social skills are social competencies. There are 27 different competencies listed under these 5 broad categories. These competencies include self-confidence, self-assessment, self-control, trustworthiness, achievement drive, empathy, conflict management, influence, initiative, and many more.

I would like to end with a note that without emotions there is no society and without emotional intelligence, there is no growth. Emotional intelligence lets us know what experience we want to create for our lives and what we want to avoid. It gives us the liberty to choose our emotions and guide our thoughts for a constructive and meaningful life. The best part is that EI can be developed at any stage in life hence, it is never too late to start.

Also Read : Ways To Build Emotional Resilience

how to overcome negative self-talk

Overcoming Negative Self-Talk: 10 Best Solutions

Posted on by Divya Toshniwal

Imagine this – A child sitting beside you is very upset. When you ask them what happened and they say they lost a match. You give them a judgemental look and say- “That is so bad, you do not have it in you to win. This shows you will never amount to anything. You are a failure.” Will you actually ever do that to the child? No, your heart would never let you do that. Instead, you’ll probably say something like this- ” Oh! I understand why you are upset but don’t lose your heart. You will get plenty of matches to win in the future. Learn from your failure and work hard. I know you can do it.”

Now imagine both these conversations happened not with the child but with your reflection in the mirror.

Negative self-talk can destroy you. If you would not say those words to a child, make sure you do not say them to yourself.

-Divya Toshniwal

In this article:

  1. What Is Negative Self Talk?
  2. Where does negative self-talk come from?
  3. How Negative Self-Talk Damages Us ?
  4. Overcoming Negative Self-Talk

What is negative self-talk?

A small voice inside of us is always talking to us. The conversation with this voice is what is known as self-talk. We listen very sincerely to this voice and this voice has the greatest impact on us. We believe this voice and whatever it says unconditionally. This is why the inner voice and what it says to us is so important.

Negative self-talk is when this voice becomes criticizing, limiting, disappointing, demotivating, incriminating condemning, and harsh towards you. It is all the negative statements that you tell yourself. If this voice within you is limiting your belief in your ability to do something, to be something, or to get something, then you need to be on alert mode now and freeze the frame right there. You need to step outside of the frame and rewind a little to reason with what your voice is saying.

Where does negative self-talk come from?

When you step out of the frame you will be clearer on where this negative self-talk is coming from. Negative self-talk comes from your negative self-beliefs. Over the course of time, influenced by our experiences and beliefs of important or influential people in our lives, we form beliefs about ourselves. Say, for example, if you have had a bad experience on stage in your past, you create a belief that you are not a good performer and that people will not like you. The next time you go on stage you will be more anxious as your inner voice is telling you that you are a bad performer. This anxiety will lead to further negative experiences, re-instating your original belief.

Or say you have had a very bad teacher in school, who instead of helping you face challenges has always demotivated you and put you down telling you that you will not be successful in any task you do. The voice of a teacher is quite influential in our early days and hence, listening to this multiple times you start believing that it is true. Creating a self-belief that you cannot be successful. Going forward in life this voice inside you will always limit you to take up any project as you’ll always have the fear of failure and the belief that you are not good enough.

A few Causes of Negative Self-Talk are listed below:

  1. Overthinking about everything.
  2. Bad and toxic relationships
  3. Avoiding self-development and self-care
  4. Constant comparison with others
  5. Traumatic experiences of the past
  6. Spending time around energy vampires
  7. Not asking for help when you need it.
  8. Poor role models while growing-up and now in life.

How Negative Self-Talk Damages Us ?

When the little voice in your head is constantly putting you down it becomes really tough for any external motivation to help you get up again. Negative Self-Talk Damages you in the following ways:

  1. Lowers your self-esteem and confidence
  2. Continues the vicious cycle of limiting beliefs.
  3. Takes away your happiness
  4. Results in internal conflicts
  5. Stops you from setting goals of your desires.
  6. Creates obstacles in every activity.
  7. Leads to severe mental health issues like anxiety and depression.
  8. It damages your personal and professional relationships
  9. Distorts your view of people and situations.
Overcoming Negative Self-Talk

Overcoming Negative Self-Talk

Now that you know the damages negative-self talk can cause to your life, I am sure you would also like to know how you can do some damage control. Overcoming negative self-talk is important but it will need some time and determination on your side.

Recognize your negative thoughts

The first step is to recognize your thoughts. As soon as you listen that the voice is saying something to you, stop, and recognize if the voice is saying something negative. Every time you need to be on alert mode to recognize if the voice inside you is limiting you or criticizing you. If you can recognize this voice, half of your work towards overcoming your negative thoughts is done.

Identify the patterns in your thought

Try to identify patterns in your thoughts. Look for connections and see if all your negative thoughts lead to a specific pattern. The pattern points to a specific cause in general which is leading you to have negative self-beliefs and talks. For example, if your thoughts are like,’ I need help in shopping, what if I get something wrong.’, ‘ I need to take ask someone to choose which project I should pick up.’ , ‘ I need to see if this makes everyone happy.’ , ‘ I am not sure if they will even listen to me. Such thoughts point towards a pattern and that is low-self esteem. write down the statements you say to yourself and identify the pattern.

Counteract with your self-talk

Whatever your inner voice is telling you, reason with it. Check the facts behind the statements. If your inner voice is telling you ‘ There is no point in trying, I will fail. ‘ Then ask that voice to give you proofs. Ask it how can it say so confidently that failure is invariable.

Practice affirmations

Positive affirmations when practiced daily can work wonders on your negative self-beliefs by impacting your subconscious thinking. So use positive affirmations relating to the pattern you have identified in your thoughts. Until the time you have not identified the pattern of your negative self-talk use general affirmations like-

” I love and accept myself.”

” I have all the power within me to achieve all my goals.”

” I am worthy of all great things in life.”

” I am a magnet for success”, and so on

Separate incidence from fate

You need to see your failures as isolated incidence. Just because you failed a particular time or maybe more than once does not mean that you are destined to fail. These were isolated incidents and not your fate.

Go easy on yourself

Realize that you are a human being and you are allowed to make mistakes. Don’t let the mistakes of your past burden your present to ruin a beautiful future. Accept your mistakes as learnings from the past and move on to create a better life. And, remember that you will make mistakes in the future too. So don’t let the fear of making mistakes hold you back.

Seek therapy for traumas of past / mental health issue

Sometimes taking professional help to deal with past traumas becomes necessary. Don’t avoid asking for help. In situations of severe anxiety and depression, I would suggest taking up therapy without losing time. Connect here.

Spend time on self-care

the most ignored aspect of our life is me-time/relax time /self-care. Whatever you name it you know in your heart that you are not taking out enough time for yourself. Self-care also has to be all-rounded. You should work on all types of self-care to balance your life. You can try a 30-day self-care challenge for starters here.

Stop comparing yourself with others.

Comparing yourself to others is a major setback in overcoming negative self-talk. Don’t compare your life to what you can see from the life of others. You never know how emotionally frustrated a person driving an Audi may be or how financially broke a person on vacation maybe. You never know who carries what kind of burden. The comparisons you make create negative beliefs in you regarding some aspects of your life that you believe to be perfect in others. Hence, don’t compare your life to the cover page of someone else’s.

Develop positive self-talk

Other than overcoming negative self-talk, it is also important to replace them with positive ones. Read books and articles that promote such behaviors. Be around people who are motivating and positive in life. reward yourself for little achievements and boost your confidence through any ways that seem appropriate.

Practicing these little things with high determination will help you in overcoming negative self-talk and boost your progress in life by multiples.

coping up with fomo

Coping Up With FOMO: Fear Of Missing Out

Posted on by Divya Toshniwal

Imagine you have had the busiest week. You decide to just relax and do nothing this weekend. Your plan is to be in your pajamas and cuddle with a blanket, have a book in your hand, or watch a series on Netflix. The perfect weekend where you have no more activities listed and you get time to just relax. On Saturday you sleep till noon, wake up with finally completing your quota of sleep, you freshen up and sit with a cup of coffee and finally pick up that book which you have been wanting to read for so long when suddenly your phone buzzes. It is a notification that tells you your best friend is on a weekend getaway – off to the beach with a cocktail in her hand it says.

There is a sudden flow of emotion that travels through your body. The blissful happy state that you were in a couple of minutes ago is gone and you have a surge of negative emotions like disappointment, jealousy, sadness, and something unexplained. This is FOMO and we are trying to understand here what triggers it and how to cope with it.

what is FOMO

What Is FOMO?

‘Fear of Missing Out’ popularly known as FOMO is a real problem. FOMO diverts you from what you have to what you do not have in a matter of seconds, because someone else has it. So instead of being blissfully happy for the relaxed and free time, you have today, you are unhappy that someone is enjoying a vacation.

FOMO is the anxiety you feel when you see someone achieving something and the inadequacy you feel about your own achievements. It is the disappointment you feel when you look at #couplegoals posts on Instagram and worry that you are missing out on beautiful relationships. FOMO is when you are confused between what you feel you should be doing and what you really want to do.

The Myth About this Fear Of Missing Out is that it’s a recent discovery. Nothing can be farther from the truth. The term may have been coined in recent years but this phenomenon has existed since forever. It is a basic nature of us homo sapiens and hence we can conclusively say that we cannot make it go away. All we can do is understand it better and act such that the fear doesn’t overpower our life. Our Fear Of Missing Out tells us something and we need to be on alert mode and improve our inner listening in order to find what.

What Triggers FOMO?

  1. Unchecked use of social media is one of the biggest triggers of ‘FOMO’ Fear of missing out’ .
  2. Lack of self-awareness.We are not able to analyze what we really want.
  3. We are bad at predicting how the fulfillment of want will actually impact us.
  4. We want to do it all at once.
  5. Being excluded from events and social gatherings.
  6. Negative Self-perception
  7. Constant comparisons with others. It can be you or someone else in your life making these comparisons.

Once you understand your triggers, coping up with FOMO becomes easier.

Coping with FOMO

Coping up With FOMO

  1. The first step in coping up with FOMO is to understand that it is not a monster but a messenger. A messenger that is secretly telling you to look into what is wrong. Fear pops up when you suspect something to be wrong and that is what you need to analyze here. Why are you sad that your friend is partying when you absolutely wanted to relax in your pyjamas today. See what this messenger is trying to tell you.
  2. Stop comparing your life with that of others. Every person has their own journey, their own ups and downs, and their own destination. You cannot compare your life with the cover page of someone else’s book. Remember their story is hidden deep in between the pages.
  3. Check your use of social media and control it. the biggest hurdle in coping up with FOMO is the extensive usage of social media, and I don’t want to say anything else about it. You already know how it is harming you.
  4. Stay away from Energy Vampires and people who put you down on making the choices you have made for your life.
  5. Learn to find your purpose and stick to it no matter what the people around you say. Remember no one else is living your life. You are. and you need to make decisions accordingly.
  6. You have to accept the fact that everything will not go as you want it to. Life is unpredictable and hence there will be diversions from your plan. Just because someone else got there faster doesn’t mean you’ll not reach there. So be patient.
  7. Learn to be in the present. Thinking about what has happened in the past and what will happen in the future is out of your control and the sooner you accept this, the better it is for your progress.
  8. Maintain a facts journal to control your negative thoughts. Most of what we feel in the ‘fear of missing out’ experience is due to negative self-beliefs and hence it is important to find these patterns and replace them with positive self-beliefs.
  9. Understand that happiness is not dependent on a single variable. It is in fact a complicated combination of so many things that happen simultaneously in your life.

Coping up with FOMO is a very simple task if you just understand the reasons for your FOMO and you get to know yourself better. Every person is important in this world in their own unique way. some will have one experience while others will have some other. There is something good in your life and something in mine. Some factors are not working for me while some might not work for you. (Watch ‘It’s a wonderful life‘ if you have not yet.)

Also Read: Anxiety Of Opportunity Cost (Fear Of Better Opportunities): Symptoms and Solutions

What is quarter life crisis and how to deal with it

Quarter-Life Crisis And How To Beat It

Posted on by Divya Toshniwal

We, who grew up in the age of the internet have had so many choices to set up our life with, which none of the generations before us had. Although we are termed to be the laziest generation, I believe it is us who deal with the most complicated relationships, career choices, health, social and other aspects of our lives. I came across the term -‘ Quarter-life crisis quite recently and that is when I realized that I have been through it too. I might still be in it, but I am trying to handle it better now. So here I am trying to introduce to you what a quarter-life crisis is, what are its indicators, what leads to a quarter-life crisis, and how you can deal with it.

Quarter-Life Crisis

In This Article :

Quarter-Life Crisis

What is Quarter Life Crisis?

A quarter-life crisis is like an identity crisis. It is a confusion between the choices that we are trying to make. What should we focus on? Should we focus on money which defines the parameters of success in the world or should we choose fulfillment and serenity which we desire? It is about choosing between fitting in and standing out. It is the confusion between doing what the previous generation expects us to do or what the world would need next. A quarter-life crisis is being stuck in a place you feel you do not belong.

The world has changed exponentially in the past 2 decades. The way it works has changed but unfortunately, the tools we were provided with to deal with the world are obsolete. Our education prepares us for a life that our previous generation was living but fortunately or unfortunately, I don’t know yet, we have moved beyond that.

Quarter-Life Crisis

What Are the Indicators of a Quarter-Life Crisis?

We are not being able to utilize our most productive years because of this quarter-life crisis, but what actually leads to it? We are blissfully ignorant of what causes it. It is not that it is unidentifiable but we just do not pay attention to the subtle indicators. So let’s take a thorough look at the indicators of a quarter-life crisis.

  1. You have fear of being left behind.
  2. You don’t feel energetic most of the times.
  3. You keep doubting every path you start on
  4. You listen to anyone who can give you tips on quick success.
  5. You lack motivation.
  6. You are in a state of confusion between going for your dreams or settling down
  7. You always feel something is missing even when you have achieved a lot.
  8. You are not being able to take decisions on your own.
  9. You struggle with stress, anxiety and/or depression.

Learn to identify stress and innovative ways to beat it. Learn how to self-heal depression

Quarter-Life Crisis

What Leads To A Quarter-Life Crisis?

  1. Self-doubt and low self-esteem. It may sound very obvious but this can be one of the major reasons leading to this issue.
  2. Starting to live alone for the first time and distance from the known comfort zone.
  3. Issues in personal relationships. Getting into or leaving a relationship can be really taxing.
  4. Colleagues or friends posting about their recent achievements/ fun moments.
  5. Struggling with emotional or mental health issues.
  6. High expectations of yourself and the world around.
  7. Availability of innumerable choices leading to indecisiveness.
  8. Pressure of proving yourself and meet the expectations of people around you.
  9. Being unclear of your goals.
  10. Traumatic and unforeseen incidences.
Quarter-Life Crisis

How To Beat Quarter Life Crisis?

First let me assure you that if you are facing these symptoms, you are not alone and this is not the end. You will be able to steer through this and to help you with it here are a few tips.

  1. Decrease the influence of social media on your life. Social media is just filtered happy moments of people’s life and not the truth they are going through. The entire world is a great actor. We all act so well of being happy on the social media. The truth however is that most don’t even know what actually makes them happy. Understand this and avoid overuse of social media.
  2. Look inward and identify your purpose. It is important to create goals that align with your life purpose. But how can you create a goal if you do not even understand yourself and what you want? Take a pause and explore yourself. (Self-Exploration Journal)
  3. Stop comparing yourself with others. Being insecure about yourself and your position would lead to lower self-esteem and create self-doubt.
  4. Use the HEART model of goal setting and read the 5-M theory of achieving your goals.
  5. Focus more on what you want rather than what people want from you.
  6. Take breaks and give time to yourself. Over-working will only make things worse.
  7. Be consistent when you find your purpose. People may say you are doing it all wrong but listen to your heart and let the light within guide you. I am not saying that there will not be challenges but keep going.
  8. Redefine your attitude towards adversities. They will help you reach your full potential.

Quarter-Life Crisis is very real and not things that millennials just made up to laze around. The mental and emotional pressures are too much and you need to be assured that you are not alone. The majority of millennials are facing this confusion day in and out. Start spending time with yourself and learn how to identify your purpose in life in order to deal with this crisis. All will be good in the future.

The 5 M’s of Achieving Your Goal

Posted on by Divya Toshniwal

We all have dreams, we all have desires. Some are materialistic desires while others are emotional, social, or spiritual desires. But we all have desires. To transform my desires into goals I started using the H.E.A.R.T. Model for goal setting. Not only me but many of my clients have benefitted from this model too.

While talking about the HEART model I also talked about preparing for the action. If I had 7 hours to cut a tree I’ll spend 6 hours sharpening my axe. This article is about sharpening the axe.

There are 5 M’s that you need to be aware of while working on achieving your goals.

5 M's of Achieving Goals

Mindset

While talking about goals it is more important to set your mindset, than your targets. What I mean here is to set your mindset for the kind of person you want to become. The goal is to become a healthy person and not lose 10kgs. The goal is to become a good parent and not reduce scolding your kids. The goal is to become a rich person and not earn a million dollars. Set your mind like the person you want to become and start living like one. So when you make a decision on what you should eat ask yourself what would a healthy person eat. Make decisions like the person you want to become.

mindset shift

Motivation

Understand the Why?’ behind your goal. What is your motivation? Why are you setting up these goals? If you are not motivated enough to achieve your goals, you will not be able to leave your comfort zone and the growth zone definitely starts after that. Even if you are successful in the internal fights you would turn back at the first sight of external trouble and hence it is extremely important that you have a very strong motivating force for achieving your goals. This motivation can be internal or external, but in my opinion, internal motivations work better in the long run while external motivations are excellent for immediate gratification.

Mini-Goals

It is easier to achieve goals that can be achieved in a short span of time. It’s better to target reading one book a week than 52 books in a year. This way when you complete the book one of your mini-goals is already achieved. Your brain celebrates and is ready to accept next week’s goal. On the other hand, 52 books feel like a burden and if you are not able to read for a few weeks it feels like piling up and you are more likely to give up. When I started writing my book I set up mini-goals like creating a flow about what I want to say, then listing down the chapters, writing each chapter was a mini-goal, even- proofreading and creating the graphics were set up as goals. I celebrated each achievement and it motivated me to keep writing.

Maps

If you are going treasure hunting, don’t forget the map. If you want something, always remember that someone, somewhere in the world has created a map for it. Someone has been on this path and they have left breadcrumbs for you to follow. Find out about the people who have achieved the goal and also the ones who could not. You can learn a lot from their journey. Refer to the various maps created by these people and create your own map for reaching your goal. No, I am not telling you to follow someone blindly but I would strongly recommend taking suggestions from both who achieved or could not achieve their goals.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a very important quality that you need to develop in order to achieve your goals. Neither ruminating about the past nor planning the future is going to actually help you in achieving your goal. Rather, what will actually help is taking action in the present. Being in the present moment fully aware of what is happening around you is extremely helpful in grabbing the opportunities that come your way. Most of us lose many opportunities because we do not even realize that this opportunity has come our way. We are not able to identify the expressways and keep struggling in the smaller lanes.

There are many ways to develop mindfulness and one of my tried and tested ways is meditation. You can read about the types of meditation here.

To read similar articles on achieving goals click here.

9 Barriers In Achieving Your Goals You Can Break

Posted on by Divya Toshniwal

Achieving your goals is not going to be a smooth ride. You are not going to get a road without speed breakers. A few of these obstructions in achieving your goal will be absolutely out of your control while some you can manage to control. Having these internal obstacles is not defeating but doing nothing about them definitely is. I am listing down 9 different internal obstructions that I have faced along with my clients and also how you can deal with a few of them.

Break Barriers and achieve your goals

Perfectionism

How can being perfect be a barrier to achieving your goals? it should rather be motivation, right?

well, not always. Being perfect can lead to more harm than good in your journey towards success. I have faced this myself. I was not ready to present myself as a life coach until I have learned it all. I spent almost 3 years trying to understand all the things I need to learn and learning them. Every time I would set a date to make the announcement and every time I realized there is still more to learn. Learning would never end and it should never end. Learning is an ongoing process and hence no one can ever be perfect.

Don’t stop learning but don’t wait to be perfect too.

Procrastination

This is my favorite one. How many times do you think you tell yourself ‘ I’ll do that later.’ in one day? The first thing you need to do is count it. Once you are done counting, ask yourself why are you saying that. Procrastination (meaning – the act of putting off doing something that you should do till another day or time because you do not want to do it because it’s unpleasant or boring.) There can be a number of reasons for procrastination but only one way to deal with it. As Nike says ‘just do it.’

One of the best solutions that I have come up with to deal with procrastination is the 5-minute-rule. The 5-Minute-Rule to deal with procrastination is simply that if any task that you are supposed to do, is going to take less than 5 minutes to do, you would not postpone it. This has worked for me and many of my clients. Not only will this help you achieve your goals, but it will also make you more organized and save a lot of your time in the long run.

Losing Focus

This is the most common obstacle to achieving your goal. Most of us have been facing this lately and no doubt the biggest reason is our smartphones and the pinging notifications. Your phone never lets you leave its side. As soon as you lock the screen and try and focus on work again there comes a ‘ping’ and here you go back to your phone. One thing leads to another and there go the next 20 minutes of your life.

The best way to deal with the distractions is to remove them. Simply remove them and don’t exert your willpower. You don’t have an infinite stock of it. Simply remove your distractions. So if your biggest distraction is your phone, switch it off or at least put it on focus mode.

Feeling Overwhelmed

You are bound to feel overwhelmed if you take up goals that are too difficult to achieve or those which have a lot of aspects attached to them. It takes a toll on your confidence or blocks a large portion of your mind in assessing the next steps and calculating all the variables. Such goals stop you from moving forward even when you keep working on them the entire day. The reason is that you are not able to take any actionable steps.

The best solution is to simplify your goals and divide them into smaller goals. So if you have a goal for the year, divide it into 12 monthly goals, the weekly goals, and then daily goals, making them easier, clearer, and achievable. Do not underestimate the power of small steps.

Boredom or Retreat

Too simple goals or goals that are not challenging enough can also be the reason why you are not being able to achieve them. Have you ever thought about visiting the nearest tourist place to your city ? you always feel like- ‘we can go there anytime. Let us go to some other good (far away) place. ‘. This has happened to me so many times and in spite of living in Kolkata for 25 years, I have never been to Darjeeling while I have traveled to Mussoorie, Nainital, and Kashmir.

The same applies to our goals. We procrastinate and say it’s too easy it can be done anytime. But that anytime never comes. So don’t make your goals too easy to achieve.

Drama Seeking Behavior

For people who love drama, the fights between two colleagues, banter in the house, and back-bitching from people(or sometimes even self), be aware, this is taking up so much time of your life that it is pulling you behind and not letting you achieve your goals. This can be the silliest and most daunting barrier that you’ll ever face in achieving your goals.

So just stop, which one of your colleagues is going to win the fight is not going to make any difference in your life. Understand the reason behind this behavior. Even though it is the silliest obstacle it might be one of the toughest to deal with. Mostly, people who seek drama in others’ life are ones who do not have fulfilling lives themselves. So, connect to someone who can help you create a fulfilling life for yourself.

Negative Self-talk

“I have failed before, I will fail again”

“Nobody wants what I have to offer”

” I don’t have the right connections”

“This is way out of my league”

Do these statements sound familiar? Well, then you are a victim of negative self-talk. The irony is that you are the victim and you are the assailant too. Creating self-awareness is very important to understand why are you saying these negative statements to yourself. Imagine if your best friend came to you and told you a business idea, would you say this to them?

Dig deeper into your beliefs, see what are the beliefs you hold for yourself and why do you hold these beliefs. Eliminate the negative beliefs and move on. It will take some time and some practice, nothing happens overnights. But things will change. Start talking to yourself positively. Learn more on how to overcome negative self-talk here.

Fear

One of the most common reasons you are not able to achieve your goals is- fear. Fear of the unknown. Many of us are not being able to move forward just because we are too comfortable where we are. Even when we are not happy, we prefer to stay because there is a certainty. We prefer not to venture into the unknown as here at least we know what’s going to happen. Even Elsa could realize her true power only when she ventured into the unknown, so take that lesson from Disney.

Anger

Anger – it’s the most dangerous emotion to face. Yes, it’s a part of our emotions wheel and yes, everyone is bound to face it. But, how you deal with it is what will make all the difference. Do you rise above it and move forward, or will you let your energy burn in the heat of it(remember you have limited energy for each day)? Keeping any kind of anger or disappointment within you can cause a lot of your energy to burn without any fruitful results in your favor.

So ask yourself – are you angry when someone gets a promotion and you don’t? are you angry when things don’t work for you and they work for someone else? are you angry when you can’t perform as much as you expected to? and how do you react to your emotion of anger?

Take your anger out in productive ways. Empty yourself of this negative energy. I am not going to tell you to count backward and breathe deep. Because this kind of anger may not even surface but it’s there. So you need to dig deeper to see where it arises from and how it affects you. This will help you change your thought patterns when you start working on your emotions.

To understand your own obstacles and how you can deal with them, You can connect to me for personal virtual sessions

Break Barriers and achieve your goals

HEART Model For Goal Setting

Posted on by Divya Toshniwal

While talking about achieving your goals the most prominent thing you’ll hear is to be determined, take the first step, and make your goals SMART. Smart word here isn’t used literally but as an abbreviation for the model used for goal setting .

SMART model of goal setting in life coaching

The new innovative approach that I applied to myself a few weeks ago, however, is a little different and more fulfilling. The model that I am talking about is the HEART model for goal setting.

Why HEART you ask? Because something that comes from your heart and has your emotions attached is always more powerful than something that comes from your mind.

HEART model for goal setting in coaching

The HEART model for goal setting is closer to you emotionally and has extra motivation and impact when you move forward to achieve it. Even when things do not work out the way you want them to and even when you are not getting desired results, you are bound to try harder for things that are closer to your heart, in comparison to things that your mind is telling you to achieve.

This is what the H.E.A.R.T. model for goal setting stands for :

H stands for Honest :

So the first thing that you should ask yourself is whether your goals are honest towards your life vision, mission and purpose. Are they consistent with your ambitions and aspirations? If your life mission is extremely humanitarian and you set up a capitalistic goal for yourself there are chances that you would quit as soon as you start facing obstacles. Capitalistic goals would not provide enough fuel for you to keep going in the downtime.

E stands for Exact :

This is what you exactly want and what exactly would you need to achieve these goals. Determine the resources and skills required. Break down your goals into smaller chunks and prepare to achieve one at a time. So if you have a yearly goal, break it down into monthly and weekly goals. Make your statements exact. A wise man once said ‘ If I was given 7 hours to chop down a tree, I would spend 6 hours sharpening my axe’. So, prepare well.

A stands for Action:

A goal without a plan is just wishful thinking and words without actions mean nothing. To achieve your goals, in the exact center of the heart model is- Action. To take action for your goals it is important that you ask yourself the right questions. Questions like = ‘ What is the one small step that I can take today?’ The hardest part is actually not solving a problem but asking the right questions that can lead you to solve the problem.

R stands for Realistic:

As I said before, a goal without a plan is just wishful thinking. So in order to make a plan to achieve your dreams you need to consider the realities around them. What are the possible obstacles that might come in your way? Do you have the time and energy to give into this goal? What are your other obligations? How much are you willing to give for this dream of yours?

T stands for Time-Bound:

And yes, your goal needs to have a deadline. No, it’s not that you cannot achieve a goal after the deadline, but plans with a deadline are more effective in general. So set time for each step you take and mark your achievement with each step crossed. This will also give you the motivation to keep moving forward.

H.E.A.R.T. model for goal setting in life coaching.

The most important thing is that you need to celebrate and reward yourself for even the smallest of your achievements and for every step you take toward your goals.