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What is quarter life crisis and how to deal with it

Quarter-Life Crisis And How To Beat It

Posted on February 8, 2022November 19, 2022 by Divya Toshniwal

We, who grew up in the age of the internet have had so many choices to set up our life with, which none of the generations before us had. Although we are termed to be the laziest generation, I believe it is us who deal with the most complicated relationships, career choices, health, social and other aspects of our lives. I came across the term -‘ Quarter-life crisis quite recently and that is when I realized that I have been through it too. I might still be in it, but I am trying to handle it better now. So here I am trying to introduce to you what a quarter-life crisis is, what are its indicators, what leads to a quarter-life crisis, and how you can deal with it.

What is Quarter Life Crisis?

A quarter-life crisis is like an identity crisis. It is a confusion between the choices that we are trying to make. What should we focus on? Should we focus on money which defines the parameters of success in the world or should we choose fulfillment and serenity which we desire? It is about choosing between fitting in and standing out. It is the confusion between doing what the previous generation expects us to do or what the world would need next. A quarter-life crisis is being stuck in a place you feel you do not belong.

The world has changed exponentially in the past 2 decades. The way it works has changed but unfortunately, the tools we were provided with to deal with the world are obsolete. Our education prepares us for a life that our previous generation was living but fortunately or unfortunately, I don’t know yet, we have moved beyond that.

What Are the Indicators of a Quarter-Life Crisis?

We are not being able to utilize our most productive years because of this quarter-life crisis, but what actually leads to it? We are blissfully ignorant of what causes it. It is not that it is unidentifiable but we just do not pay attention to the subtle indicators. So let’s take a thorough look at the indicators of a quarter-life crisis.

You have fear of being left behind.
You don’t feel energetic most of the times.
You keep doubting every path you start on
You listen to anyone who can give you tips on quick success.
You lack motivation.
You are in a state of confusion between going for your dreams or settling down
You always feel something is missing even when you have achieved a lot.
You are not being able to take decisions on your own.
You struggle with stress, anxiety and/or depression.

Learn to identify stress and innovative ways to beat it. Learn how to self-heal depression

What Leads To A Quarter-Life Crisis?

Self-doubt and low self-esteem. It may sound very obvious but this can be one of the major reasons leading to this issue.
Starting to live alone for the first time and distance from the known comfort zone.
Issues in personal relationships. Getting into or leaving a relationship can be really taxing.
Colleagues or friends posting about their recent achievements/ fun moments.
Struggling with emotional or mental health issues.
High expectations of yourself and the world around.
Availability of innumerable choices leading to indecisiveness.
Pressure of proving yourself and meet the expectations of people around you.
Being unclear of your goals.
Traumatic and unforeseen incidences.

How To Beat Quarter Life Crisis?

First let me assure you that if you are facing these symptoms, you are not alone and this is not the end. You will be able to steer through this and to help you with it here are a few tips.

Decrease the influence of social media on your life. Social media is just filtered happy moments of people’s life and not the truth they are going through. The entire world is a great actor. We all act so well of being happy on the social media. The truth however is that most don’t even know what actually makes them happy. Understand this and avoid overuse of social media.
Look inward and identify your purpose. It is important to create goals that align with your life purpose. But how can you create a goal if you do not even understand yourself and what you want? Take a pause and explore yourself. (Self-Exploration Journal)
Stop comparing yourself with others. Being insecure about yourself and your position would lead to lower self-esteem and create self-doubt.
Use the HEART model of goal setting and read the 5-M theory of achieving your goals.
Focus more on what you want rather than what people want from you.
Take breaks and give time to yourself. Over-working will only make things worse.
Be consistent when you find your purpose. People may say you are doing it all wrong but listen to your heart and let the light within guide you. I am not saying that there will not be challenges but keep going.
Redefine your attitude towards adversities. They will help you reach your full potential.

Quarter-Life Crisis is very real and not things that millennials just made up to laze around. The mental and emotional pressures are too much and you need to be assured that you are not alone. The majority of millennials are facing this confusion day in and out. Start spending time with yourself and learn how to identify your purpose in life in order to deal with this crisis. All will be good in the future.

Tried and tested ways to reduce stress. solutions to reduce stress

14 Tried and Tested Ways To Reduce Stress

Posted on February 2, 2022November 30, 2022 by Divya Toshniwal

I have been told that the hardest part is dealing with stress is recognizing that you have stress but I believe that the hardest part is acknowledging that we are stressed and that stress can cause the troubles that we are currently facing. We do not generally pay attention to stress unless it turns into burnout. Burnouts are tougher to handle but once we acknowledge that we are stressed and commit to dealing with it, there are a lot of ways to reduce stress levels.

Without further delay, I want to jump directly to the solutions I have for you to reduce your stress. If you want to know more about the signs of stress and how you can recognize that you are stressed, you can read the article here.

Let’s Begin.

Physiological Ways To Reduce Stress

If you want to know how to relieve stress quickly, then the physiological ways come into the picture. These are the ways in which your body can feel immediate relaxation.

1.Workout– I know when you feel so tired it is just not easy to get up and get going. In spite of that, I am going to tell you that it is one of the best solutions for you. A workout routine will get your body going and reduce cortisol (stress hormones) levels in your body. You can choose any workout routine. The target is to keep your body active for at least 30 minutes.

2. Practice Deep breathing– This is an age-old recipe for relaxation and reducing stress. The best deep breathing practice that I have found to date is the 6-3-6-3 technique and you can practice this anywhere and everywhere. The process is to inhale for 6 counts, hold for 3, exhale for 6 counts and hold out for 3. Repeat this cycle 12 times and thrice a day. you don’t need to be in a particular posture or place for this.

3. Practice Prana Mudra– Prana mudra is another significant solution for managing the energy of your body. ‘Prana’ means energy and prana mudra helps to increase energy in your body. This mudra can be practiced by joining the thumb, ring finger, and little finger of your hand. You can practice this mudra every morning for 15 minutes. Caution: do not do this while lying down.

4. Use Lavender Oil– Aromatherapy and essential oils work wonders in many issues we face and one of such issues where it works miraculously is stress. I am saying this from personal experience lavender oil is an amazing relaxant. Use it as perfume or in a diffuser, it will work amazingly to reduce your stress and fatigue. It has even cured stress-related headaches that I so frequently used to have.

5. Drink Chamomile Tea – Warm chamomile tea with honey is also an effective solution to reduce your stress. It relaxes you and makes it easier for you to sleep.

Emotional Ways To Reduce Stress

The emotional ways to manage stress need a little bit more working on. These are not as quick as the physiological tips to manage stress but will not take much long to show their benefits.

6. Stay away from Energy Vampires– Energy vampires are people who suck away your energy when you are around them. Energy Vampires are people who feed upon the energies of other people to refill their depleted energies. These are people surrounded with all negative emotions and when they are around you they make you feel negative and depleted too. When you are under stress it is important to stay away from such people. You can read more about how to identify energy vampires here and how to deal with energy vampires here.

7. Be easy on yourself– Do not be self-critical, do not be so hard on yourself. Being stressed is ok, feeling negative emotions is ok. Give yourself a break, acknowledge that times are tough and that it’s ok if you are not being able to meet your own expectations. Take care of yourself and focus on rebuilding your mental strength.

8. Borrow Motivation– Be around people who understand you, the ones who will motivate you and support you no matter what happens. When you are not feeling motivated it is good to borrow motivation from people around you, from youtube videos, audiobooks, blogs, and books. Read motivating posts.

9. Join Stress Buster Groups – Group therapy works wonders in relieving your stress. It will give you comfort knowing you are not alone. You will work alongside people who are like you or going through similar issues and are committed to moving towards a better and happier life.

10.Be Aware of Toxic Positivity– Toxic Positivity is the dark side of the ‘Think Positive Only’ obsession. You hear statements like’ look on the brighter side’, ‘be grateful for what you have, or ‘ it is all in your mind. Being positive is good but ignoring the existence of a full spectrum of emotions for the ‘Good Vibes Only’ compartment is what becomes dangerous for your mental health. Read more on toxic positivity and how it is different from optimism here

Cognitive Ways To Reduce Stress

These are sort of long-term tips to manage stress but are also long-lasting. The cognitive ways to manage stress will help you create a permanent state of relaxation and deal with stressors that come to you in the future.

11. Avoid Decision Fatigue – Decision fatigue is a real thing. It is the energy loss you feel when you make a lot of decisions. Even when the decisions are very small and insignificant it depletes your energy and willpower. This decision fatigue can make you even more stressed than you are already. It is a cognitively taxing process.

12. Declutter and Organise – A cluttered space can be a big reason for stress. An organized space will help you reduce the stress hormones that are released due to being in a cluttered and disorganized space. A good way to reduce your stress is to reduce your clutter. One thing that can help you do that is this book. If you need tips on organizing your place the way it suits you then check out the Clutterbug channel on youtube.

13.Automate Your Processes – Automate wherever you can so that you don’t have to think about the little things in life and everything in your day-to-day life can be taken care of without piling on your head. Stress makes you lethargic and that piles on work from your day-to-day routine too. So my suggestion is that you should automate your daily chores and decisions.

14. Maintain a Facts Journal– Maintaining a journal challenging your thoughts and overthinking is a good way to reduce the stress that only your mind creates. Cognitive biases like mind-reading, fortune-telling, all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralizing, and more increase your stress levels with things that only your mind is telling you. Maintaining a facts journal can help you deal with this kind of stress.

I hope the suggestions I made will help you deal with the stress that you are going through.

You can also check out these relaxing pieces of music on Youtube

Toxic Positivity : The Dark Side Of Positive Thinking

Posted on February 1, 2022November 30, 2022 by Divya Toshniwal

Toxic Positivity? But how can being positive become toxic for you?

Imagine waking up to your alarm at 6.30 snoozing your alarm and when you open your eyes again it’s already 9 am. You are late for your destination and when you get up and rush to the washroom the power is cut off. You get ready in the light of your phone flashlight because your emergency light is not charged, only to find that a button on your clothes has come off. You change your clothes again and rush towards your destination but you can find no cabs.

By the time you actually reach your destination, you are already 2 hours late. Your entire day starts late. You are hungry since morning and the opportunity for which you came here is lost now. You go back home and on the way up to your apartment, the lift stops midway. You are stuck in the lift for a long time before someone came to rescue you. When you come to your door you realize you have lost the key to your apartment. Your good neighbor allows you into their home, makes you a cup of tea and you start to vent out about your day. And then comes a statement ‘ It’s not so bad, look on the brighter side and be grateful for what you have.’

Now ask yourself truly how would you feel.

What is Toxic Positivity?

Toxic Positivity is the dark side of the ‘Think Positive Only’ obsession. While I am definitely on board the ‘Optimism and positive thinking’ wagon we need to be aware when this positivity turns into toxicity. Being positive is good but ignoring the existence of a full spectrum of emotions for the ‘Good Vibes Only’ compartment is what becomes dangerous for your mental health. It minimizes the experiences and emotions that you are actually going through.

How did Toxic Positivity become a part of our lives?

Every time I go to social media, Instagram, Facebook, or any other platform, I see at least a dozen posts with quotes on happiness, positivity, and gratitude. There are so many people posting so much content online and most of it is positive. The day I had a setback in my work, I went on Facebook to take my mind off. I read a quote about how I should be grateful for what I have. It made me think – ‘ Why am I so upset? It’s a minor setback. I should be grateful for having such a loving family, such a loving husband. I realized that instead of actually feeling grateful for what I had, I started feeling guilty. I was guilty that I was not being grateful for what I had. That I was spreading negativity and I was not happy when I should be. I felt guilty about feeling what I was feeling. And all this happened to me when I am a trained therapist and a life coach.

This day made me realize that positivity can actually be toxic.

Every day on social media you see and hear immense content on positivity. Then you meet people who are inspired by that same social media tells you to be positive. Everyone around you is trying to make you forget every negative emotion that you are going through and telling you to only let positive vibes around you. They say it will make you feel better. I thought so too until I did not.

As a therapist, I always inspired my clients to be aware of their emotional states and accept themselves as they are, and here I was feeling guilty about not feeling happy about myself.

That is how I realized that Toxic Positivity had become a part of our lives.

So should we not be positive?

One should be optimistic in life, and I for one would never ever say don’t be optimistic. My entire life I have been hearing from friends and colleagues that they love how optimistic I am. I want to continue that and so should you. But there is a difference between being optimistic and toxic positivity. Being positive all the time is actually ignoring all the other emotions that you go through which is detrimental to your mental health. What I would suggest you do is accept your realization and release your emotions. So instead of being upset about being upset, acknowledge how you feel. Build a relationship with your emotion and most importantly remember that your emotions are not your identity. Optimism is not about rejecting your negative emotions but thinking that things can be brighter in the future. Be optimistic but practically.

Also Read: How To Overcome Negative Self-Talk

The Statements That Project Toxic Positivity

Here are some toxic positivity statements that you should be aware of:

“Don’t be so negative.”

“You should be grateful for what you have.”

“Have good vibes only”

“Always look on the brighter side.”

“It could be worse than it is”

“You’ll get over it”

“It is all in your mind”

“Don’t talk about what is wrong, talk about what is right.”

“Quitting is not an option.”

“Bad times make you stronger.”

and so on.

What is real optimism?

Optimism is not about neglecting the facts but it is about having hope. I agree that what you feed your mind is very important but it is not reading the positive thought or hearing positive talks that will take you to the top but the belief in yourself, in your capabilities that will help you get there. Failures and negative events are part of your life and negating them, is like living in a dream world. Optimism doesn’t force you to live in a dream world. Optimism is reminding yourself that every negative event is limited, it’s an isolated incidence and is external. A negative event in your life is not who you are, but that doesn’t mean that you are not allowed to feel bad about it.

What do Hope and Optimism Sound Like?

“You are not alone. I am there to support you.”

“It is okay not to be okay.”

“This is hard, but I believe in you”

“It’s ok to give up some times.”

“I understand. I hear you.”

The story that we started our article with was the story of one bad day. Think about people who are going through such phases in their life. Where every single day is a fight to survive and make life livable. Be optimistic but do not support toxic positivity. You can be sad, angry, jealous, overwhelmed, anxious, upset, drained, unsure, or afraid, and still be optimistic.

The 5 M’s of Achieving Your Goal

Posted on January 24, 2022September 14, 2026 by Divya Toshniwal

We all have dreams, we all have desires. Some are materialistic desires while others are emotional, social, or spiritual desires. But we all have desires. To transform my desires into goals I started using the H.E.A.R.T. Model for goal setting. Not only me but many of my clients have benefitted from this model too.

While talking about the HEART model I also talked about preparing for the action. If I had 7 hours to cut a tree I’ll spend 6 hours sharpening my axe. This article is about sharpening the axe.

There are 5 M’s that you need to be aware of while working on achieving your goals.

Mindset

While talking about goals it is more important to set your mindset, than your targets. What I mean here is to set your mindset for the kind of person you want to become. The goal is to become a healthy person and not lose 10kgs. The goal is to become a good parent and not reduce scolding your kids. The goal is to become a rich person and not earn a million dollars. Set your mind like the person you want to become and start living like one. So when you make a decision on what you should eat ask yourself what would a healthy person eat. Make decisions like the person you want to become.

Motivation

Understand the Why?’ behind your goal. What is your motivation? Why are you setting up these goals? If you are not motivated enough to achieve your goals, you will not be able to leave your comfort zone and the growth zone definitely starts after that. Even if you are successful in the internal fights you would turn back at the first sight of external trouble and hence it is extremely important that you have a very strong motivating force for achieving your goals. This motivation can be internal or external, but in my opinion, internal motivations work better in the long run while external motivations are excellent for immediate gratification.

Mini-Goals

It is easier to achieve goals that can be achieved in a short span of time. It’s better to target reading one book a week than 52 books in a year. This way when you complete the book one of your mini-goals is already achieved. Your brain celebrates and is ready to accept next week’s goal. On the other hand, 52 books feel like a burden and if you are not able to read for a few weeks it feels like piling up and you are more likely to give up. When I started writing my book I set up mini-goals like creating a flow about what I want to say, then listing down the chapters, writing each chapter was a mini-goal, even- proofreading and creating the graphics were set up as goals. I celebrated each achievement and it motivated me to keep writing.

Maps

If you are going treasure hunting, don’t forget the map. If you want something, always remember that someone, somewhere in the world has created a map for it. Someone has been on this path and they have left breadcrumbs for you to follow. Find out about the people who have achieved the goal and also the ones who could not. You can learn a lot from their journey. Refer to the various maps created by these people and create your own map for reaching your goal. No, I am not telling you to follow someone blindly but I would strongly recommend taking suggestions from both who achieved or could not achieve their goals.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a very important quality that you need to develop in order to achieve your goals. Neither ruminating about the past nor planning the future is going to actually help you in achieving your goal. Rather, what will actually help is taking action in the present. Being in the present moment fully aware of what is happening around you is extremely helpful in grabbing the opportunities that come your way. Most of us lose many opportunities because we do not even realize that this opportunity has come our way. We are not able to identify the expressways and keep struggling in the smaller lanes.

There are many ways to develop mindfulness and one of my tried and tested ways is meditation. You can read about the types of meditation here.

To read similar articles on achieving goals click here.

9 Barriers In Achieving Your Goals You Can Break

Posted on January 19, 2022September 14, 2026 by Divya Toshniwal

Achieving your goals is not going to be a smooth ride. You are not going to get a road without speed breakers. A few of these obstructions in achieving your goal will be absolutely out of your control while some you can manage to control. Having these internal obstacles is not defeating but doing nothing about them definitely is. I am listing down 9 different internal obstructions that I have faced along with my clients and also how you can deal with a few of them.

Perfectionism

How can being perfect be a barrier to achieving your goals? it should rather be motivation, right?

well, not always. Being perfect can lead to more harm than good in your journey towards success. I have faced this myself. I was not ready to present myself as a life coach until I have learned it all. I spent almost 3 years trying to understand all the things I need to learn and learning them. Every time I would set a date to make the announcement and every time I realized there is still more to learn. Learning would never end and it should never end. Learning is an ongoing process and hence no one can ever be perfect.

Don’t stop learning but don’t wait to be perfect too.

Procrastination

This is my favorite one. How many times do you think you tell yourself ‘ I’ll do that later.’ in one day? The first thing you need to do is count it. Once you are done counting, ask yourself why are you saying that. Procrastination (meaning – the act of putting off doing something that you should do till another day or time because you do not want to do it because it’s unpleasant or boring.) There can be a number of reasons for procrastination but only one way to deal with it. As Nike says ‘just do it.’

One of the best solutions that I have come up with to deal with procrastination is the 5-minute-rule. The 5-Minute-Rule to deal with procrastination is simply that if any task that you are supposed to do, is going to take less than 5 minutes to do, you would not postpone it. This has worked for me and many of my clients. Not only will this help you achieve your goals, but it will also make you more organized and save a lot of your time in the long run.

Losing Focus

This is the most common obstacle to achieving your goal. Most of us have been facing this lately and no doubt the biggest reason is our smartphones and the pinging notifications. Your phone never lets you leave its side. As soon as you lock the screen and try and focus on work again there comes a ‘ping’ and here you go back to your phone. One thing leads to another and there go the next 20 minutes of your life.

The best way to deal with the distractions is to remove them. Simply remove them and don’t exert your willpower. You don’t have an infinite stock of it. Simply remove your distractions. So if your biggest distraction is your phone, switch it off or at least put it on focus mode.

Feeling Overwhelmed

You are bound to feel overwhelmed if you take up goals that are too difficult to achieve or those which have a lot of aspects attached to them. It takes a toll on your confidence or blocks a large portion of your mind in assessing the next steps and calculating all the variables. Such goals stop you from moving forward even when you keep working on them the entire day. The reason is that you are not able to take any actionable steps.

The best solution is to simplify your goals and divide them into smaller goals. So if you have a goal for the year, divide it into 12 monthly goals, the weekly goals, and then daily goals, making them easier, clearer, and achievable. Do not underestimate the power of small steps.

Boredom or Retreat

Too simple goals or goals that are not challenging enough can also be the reason why you are not being able to achieve them. Have you ever thought about visiting the nearest tourist place to your city ? you always feel like- ‘we can go there anytime. Let us go to some other good (far away) place. ‘. This has happened to me so many times and in spite of living in Kolkata for 25 years, I have never been to Darjeeling while I have traveled to Mussoorie, Nainital, and Kashmir.

The same applies to our goals. We procrastinate and say it’s too easy it can be done anytime. But that anytime never comes. So don’t make your goals too easy to achieve.

Drama Seeking Behavior

For people who love drama, the fights between two colleagues, banter in the house, and back-bitching from people(or sometimes even self), be aware, this is taking up so much time of your life that it is pulling you behind and not letting you achieve your goals. This can be the silliest and most daunting barrier that you’ll ever face in achieving your goals.

So just stop, which one of your colleagues is going to win the fight is not going to make any difference in your life. Understand the reason behind this behavior. Even though it is the silliest obstacle it might be one of the toughest to deal with. Mostly, people who seek drama in others’ life are ones who do not have fulfilling lives themselves. So, connect to someone who can help you create a fulfilling life for yourself.

Negative Self-talk

“I have failed before, I will fail again”

“Nobody wants what I have to offer”

” I don’t have the right connections”

“This is way out of my league”

Do these statements sound familiar? Well, then you are a victim of negative self-talk. The irony is that you are the victim and you are the assailant too. Creating self-awareness is very important to understand why are you saying these negative statements to yourself. Imagine if your best friend came to you and told you a business idea, would you say this to them?

Dig deeper into your beliefs, see what are the beliefs you hold for yourself and why do you hold these beliefs. Eliminate the negative beliefs and move on. It will take some time and some practice, nothing happens overnights. But things will change. Start talking to yourself positively. Learn more on how to overcome negative self-talk here.

Fear

One of the most common reasons you are not able to achieve your goals is- fear. Fear of the unknown. Many of us are not being able to move forward just because we are too comfortable where we are. Even when we are not happy, we prefer to stay because there is a certainty. We prefer not to venture into the unknown as here at least we know what’s going to happen. Even Elsa could realize her true power only when she ventured into the unknown, so take that lesson from Disney.

Anger

Anger – it’s the most dangerous emotion to face. Yes, it’s a part of our emotions wheel and yes, everyone is bound to face it. But, how you deal with it is what will make all the difference. Do you rise above it and move forward, or will you let your energy burn in the heat of it(remember you have limited energy for each day)? Keeping any kind of anger or disappointment within you can cause a lot of your energy to burn without any fruitful results in your favor.

So ask yourself – are you angry when someone gets a promotion and you don’t? are you angry when things don’t work for you and they work for someone else? are you angry when you can’t perform as much as you expected to? and how do you react to your emotion of anger?

Take your anger out in productive ways. Empty yourself of this negative energy. I am not going to tell you to count backward and breathe deep. Because this kind of anger may not even surface but it’s there. So you need to dig deeper to see where it arises from and how it affects you. This will help you change your thought patterns when you start working on your emotions.

To understand your own obstacles and how you can deal with them, You can connect to me for personal virtual sessions

HEART Model For Goal Setting

Posted on January 14, 2022September 14, 2026 by Divya Toshniwal

While talking about achieving your goals the most prominent thing you’ll hear is to be determined, take the first step, and make your goals SMART. Smart word here isn’t used literally but as an abbreviation for the model used for goal setting .

SMART model of goal setting in life coaching

The new innovative approach that I applied to myself a few weeks ago, however, is a little different and more fulfilling. The model that I am talking about is the HEART model for goal setting.

Why HEART you ask? Because something that comes from your heart and has your emotions attached is always more powerful than something that comes from your mind.

HEART model for goal setting in coaching

The HEART model for goal setting is closer to you emotionally and has extra motivation and impact when you move forward to achieve it. Even when things do not work out the way you want them to and even when you are not getting desired results, you are bound to try harder for things that are closer to your heart, in comparison to things that your mind is telling you to achieve.

This is what the H.E.A.R.T. model for goal setting stands for :

H stands for Honest :

So the first thing that you should ask yourself is whether your goals are honest towards your life vision, mission and purpose. Are they consistent with your ambitions and aspirations? If your life mission is extremely humanitarian and you set up a capitalistic goal for yourself there are chances that you would quit as soon as you start facing obstacles. Capitalistic goals would not provide enough fuel for you to keep going in the downtime.

E stands for Exact :

This is what you exactly want and what exactly would you need to achieve these goals. Determine the resources and skills required. Break down your goals into smaller chunks and prepare to achieve one at a time. So if you have a yearly goal, break it down into monthly and weekly goals. Make your statements exact. A wise man once said ‘ If I was given 7 hours to chop down a tree, I would spend 6 hours sharpening my axe’. So, prepare well.

A stands for Action:

A goal without a plan is just wishful thinking and words without actions mean nothing. To achieve your goals, in the exact center of the heart model is- Action. To take action for your goals it is important that you ask yourself the right questions. Questions like = ‘ What is the one small step that I can take today?’ The hardest part is actually not solving a problem but asking the right questions that can lead you to solve the problem.

R stands for Realistic:

As I said before, a goal without a plan is just wishful thinking. So in order to make a plan to achieve your dreams you need to consider the realities around them. What are the possible obstacles that might come in your way? Do you have the time and energy to give into this goal? What are your other obligations? How much are you willing to give for this dream of yours?

T stands for Time-Bound:

And yes, your goal needs to have a deadline. No, it’s not that you cannot achieve a goal after the deadline, but plans with a deadline are more effective in general. So set time for each step you take and mark your achievement with each step crossed. This will also give you the motivation to keep moving forward.

H.E.A.R.T. model for goal setting in life coaching.

The most important thing is that you need to celebrate and reward yourself for even the smallest of your achievements and for every step you take toward your goals.

12 Unrecognized Signs of Stress

Posted on January 7, 2022September 14, 2026 by Divya Toshniwal

Stress is something that is a part of each of our lives and if you are reading this article then it is the primary sign that you are stressed. In this article, we will discuss the unrecognized signs of stress that appear in front of you but you either associate it with other phenomena or ignore them completely. These may help you identify stress at an early stage before it turns into burnout.

Starting from a school-going child with the stress of homework and tests to a retired personnel holding stress about health, family, or financial stability(not an exhaustive list), we all are stressed to some degree. For short periods, however, stress can be beneficial. It’s the primitive fight or flight response that gets activated. It helps us perform our tasks easier, faster, and more efficiently.

But when stress is prolonged or shakes us every now and then, it becomes a problem. It not only alters your brain but also damages other organs of your body.

To Read How To Reduce Stress Click Here.

To identify the physiological emotional and cognitive signs of stress continue reading.

Unrecognized signs of stress to look out for :

Physiological signs of stress :

You feel drained out. You do not have enough energy to do anything and suddenly even the tasks that you loved to do feel like a burden. You start preferring to stay in bed and relax. Even fun activities feel like a hassle
You crave junk food more than healthy alternatives. You eat more of pizzas and burgers and fried food and in larger quantities . These are known as comfort foods and you will see their impact on your waist line very quickly.
You find your heart beating faster than usual more often. Thinking about stressful situations makes you release more of the stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol occupying your body to deal with them.
You have a low sex drive.
You have trouble sleeping. It may not be insomnia to begin with but just disturbed sleep that appears as a sign of stress and alerts you.

Emotional Signs of stress :

You have a feeling that people don’t get you . You have a feeling that you are being misunderstood more often. You have the desire to explain everything or you give up on them and not say a word.
You are more self-critical. You have less confidence in yourself.
You are more irritable and even the slightest deviations from what you wanted can piss you off.
You do not want to interact much with people and avoid being social.

Cognitive Signs of Stress:

You are more forgetful. Stress and the stress hormones impact your memory and make you more forgetful about the little things in life like missing an appointment or where you kept your car keys.
The basic cognitive tasks like arithmetic , logic, or even decision making create extensive fatigue for you even before you have started doing it.
You put off even those tasks that take less than 5 minutes to complete. You procrastinate everything that you believe would take up any energy.

Identify these signs at an early stage to reduce the harmful effect of stress on your body.

Self-Care Habits To Help You Deal With Depression

Posted on December 3, 2021September 14, 2026 by Divya Toshniwal

What Is Depression?

Depression can mean something different for each individual and hence to define depression is not the right thing to do. As for the meaning of the word depression, Google says: “a feeling of unhappiness that lasts for a long time. Depression can be a medical condition and may have physical signs, for example being unable to sleep, etc.”

Different symptoms are reported in depression, all of which may not be present at all times for all people. But some symptoms would definitely be present. You can learn to identify the Symptoms of Depression.

What Is Self-Care?

To make yourself a priority. While in depression the worst thing we do is avoid our own well-being. We do not pay attention to our physical or mental health because our emotions are not in balance. The lack of energy and interest makes us avoid the most important thing in life- Ourselves. When I went into depression I realized I did all the stuff that I could for people around me. I smiled for other people in my life, I tried hiding my emotions, my true self. I did all the work that was needed to be done but after that, I had no energy left. I had no energy left for myself.

Later, a few things in my life made me realize the importance of me. I understood the importance of self-love and self-care. one of the greatest changes in my life was brought by dance and movement therapy. I took a Diploma course on Dance and movement therapy that helped me overcome my depression to a great extent.

I understood that taking care of yourself is not selfish, I understood that it’s ok to think about yourself, and I understood that I can take care of my loved ones only when I am alright. If I am weak, physically, mentally, or emotionally it will take a toll on all aspects of my life and the people associated with me. I researched more and read more about self-care and I understood that self-care is not expensive and is not a luxury that normal people cannot afford. We can practice self-care every day.

But while suffering through a depressive episode, the daily self-care is sometimes not enough. Daily self-care acts as a maintenance dose but right now you need to put some extra effort to help you deal with depression.

Self-Care Habits That Can Help To Fight Depression

When it comes to self-care for depression not everything and anything will work for you. The reason for depressive episodes can be varied and hence the way you can overcome your depression also might vary from another person whom you have seen coming out of depression. All I am saying is what worked for them might not work for you. Hence I am trying to list down a few options for self-care that help in overcoming depression and you can try them to understand what works for you the best.

Develop an exercise routine. This is not an option. No matter what the reason of your depression is, you need to get up from the bed and move your body( unless you have a severe physical ailment) . There should be at least 30 – 40 minutes in your day where you do some form of physical activity and your heartbeat goes up. The choice of workout, however, is entirely your choice. For me , aerobics and dancing works the best. I also love to go out on walks in parks. Being close to nature is another thing that makes me happy.
Continuing on my previous point of being close to nature, another aspect of self-care is also taking small little breaks from your monotonous life and going on small vacations also help to overcome depression.
Practice Positive Affirmation. Create positive affirmations for yourself, anything that suits you and relates to your life. Repeating the positive affirmations would help you design an optimistic mindset. And here by optimistic mindset I don’t mean wishful thinking. It is just being able to accept the possibility of something very positive happening in your life. Mindset would make it reality.
If the reason for your depression is loneliness and not having enough people around, then social self-care is something that becomes of utmost importance. It is not always the case that we are alone. Sometimes we shut everyone out so hard that we end up creating that loneliness for ourselves. So, the next time someone calls you, don’t avoid talking and reply to messages. The next time someone invites you for a meetup or a gathering say YES. Commit to one social meetup each week . If there is not invite from others then go ahead and invite someone on your own. For times when going out is not possible take help of video calls.
If the reason for your depression is financial then start now to build some economic stability for yourself. It is never too late and the situation you are in can be changed. Nothing will change overnight but trust me when I say things will change. Learn how financial self-care is important and how you can build the economic stability you want.
If the reason of your depression is not feeling loved enough or losing a romantic partner then PLEASE start loving yourself again. We often indulge in our relationships so much that we stop loving ourselves and that is what leads to being sad and lonely (whether you are in a relationship or broken apart). Love Yourself First. It is not being Selfish.
Spend some time in knowing yourself better. One of the greatest ways to do that is through journaling. Get some journal prompts for self-awareness, get a journal, and depending on how creative you are, some stationery. Find some time every day to come closer to yourself. Do not edit or re-edit your words. Just write in a flow.
Dedicate some time to developing your spiritual practice. The form may be anything that helps you . For me meditation and reading good books help the most. If you believe in energy healing or practice do that. If you believe in crystals then use their power . But by getting into such healing I don’t mean that go to a healer pay them a handsome amount and get healed . I would suggest , learn these things for yourself. Start with a book , get into a course and understand the very basic of healing yourself .
Soothe all your five senses. Organize your space so that you live in a clutter-free home and office . The aesthetics of your home and office help a lot to reduce stress. What you look at the entire day is an essential part of your life. Listen to good music , it will help you relax better. Eat the food you love and soothe your taste buds . But do not forget to eat healthy too as what you eat becomes very important in dealing with depression. Massage your feet and hands. If need be go get a full body massage to relax and make you feel pampered and last but not the least your olfactory senses may help a great deal. That is why aroma therapy is getting so popular nowadays. Go get some good fragrances in form of a candle or diffuser and it will make you feel good.
Practice mindfulness. Be in the present moment as much as you can. Thinking about the past and worrying about the future is going to contribute only to overthinking. Hence practice mindfulness exercises and help your mind stay in now and here.

Ways to Self-care are many but the basic philosophy behind it is that you are your longest commitment and your relationship with anyone or anything can never be above your relationship with yourself.

Above all this, I would always suggest that there is no harm in asking for help. If you are feeling depressed and are not being able to handle things on your own then seek help from the people around you and if need be, seek professional help. You can connect with me here to book an online counseling session.

Depression: Identifying The Hidden Epidemic : Symptoms of Depression and How To Self-Heal

Posted on November 27, 2021November 19, 2022 by Divya Toshniwal

While the world was busy fighting the pandemic it was engulfed in, there started a secret war – A fight with self. We lost a lot during the pandemic. We were able to recover from some losses but some were not recoverable. We lost our loved ones, our jobs, and our lifestyle, and our physical and mental health deteriorated too. Though all of us became very alert about maintaining better physical health and became active in eating healthy and creating a healthy lifestyle, not many paid attention to the hidden epidemic that was crawling up our mental space.

We were closed in our homes for a very long time. Though the introverts thought it to be a boon for some time when it extended to such a long duration it started bothering them too. Being isolated for such a long time and not being able to meet people has taken a toll on the mental health of many people. The sense of belongingness has reduced causing people to think they are all alone in this world. With the joint family structures breaking into nuclear families this problem has further escalated.

Staying at home we tried to make the most of our time in the beginning but the enthusiasm kind of went down after a couple of months. There was a shoot in the non-productive hours which kept us behind on our goals. It eventually started creating a feeling of worthlessness. The inability to do things as planned reduced our enthusiasm day after day.

People have been confused and not able to identify the emotions they are going through. Now when life is getting back to normal, they do not know whether they are happy about it or not.

Identify depression: Symptoms Of Depression You Should Look Out For

Even when things are open now, you don’t feel like going out and want to stay in the entire day.
A constant feeling of loneliness exists and you do not have people to connect to, nor do you want to connect to people.
The feeling of depression and a constant sad mood has been prevailing for more that 2 weeks.
Your entire sleep pattern has been disturbed and you do not get any sound sleep.
The ability to work and concentrate is reduced.
You have a disturbed decision-making ability.
Your appetite has changed and you notice a significant change in your body weight( either increased or decreased)
You feel lethargic the entire day. You do not feel like getting up the bed or take any kind of initiative.
There is a feeling of worthlessness and guilt of not being able to do anything
You do not feel any interest in activities that previously gave you pleasure.
At times you feel that life is not worth living.

If you feel that more than 50% of the symptoms listed above are applicable to you, then it is high time you start paying attention to your mental health and seek professional help.

How to deal with depression on your own?

If you feel you can turn your life around without professional help and that you can deal with your depression on your own, congratulations!! you have won half the war. To help you in your journey I have made a list of changes you can easily bring about in your life to beat depression and boost your mental health.

It is extremely important for you to make your body physically active. Even when you do not feel like doing so you have to push yourself a little and activate your body. For at least 30 minutes a day, your heartbeat should be running fast and your body should sweat.
Eat fresh fruit and salads. Make it a part of at least one of your meals. What you eat is what you become and even diet plays a huge role in overcoming depression.
Understand that Self-Care is not selfish and practice it daily. Read more about Self-Care for depression
Even if you stay at home all day, create a constructive routine for yourself. Have your day scheduled. Do not disrupt your routine. For example, have time scheduled for bathing in the morning, have your meals scheduled, and also your chores and other work.
Improve Your Sleep Patterns. Better sleep means the mind gets more time to heal itself. Our body and mind heals the best when we are asleep. So give yourself time to self-heal by improving your sleep patterns.
Take walks in nature. Go for a morning walk in a park , spend time with nature. If possible take a vacation and go someplace where you can be close to nature .
Limit your screen time. When nothing seems to work out and we feel sad or depressed we have a tendency to spend out time in front of the TV or binge-watching some series or movies. It keeps our dopamine levels up and makes us feel a bit better. But as soon as we put the screens off it makes us feel worse about ourselves making the depression even worse than before.
Try to spend some time with people. Be aware of energy vampires and choose wisely the people your spend your time with.
Meditation is a very good option to create a bond with yourself, to understand what is going on in your mind and to decide in which direction you want to take your thoughts. Below I am adding the link to my favorite meditation musics.

A lot of other things can be done in order to deal with depression without third-party support, and in many cases, it is possible to overcome depression without medications and professional support. You need to be more aware of your situation and develop emotional intelligence. It will help you in all sections of your life.

How Energy Vampires Affect You and How To Deal With Them | Divya Toshniwal |

Posted on September 24, 2021September 14, 2026 by Divya Toshniwal

Energy Vampires are people who suck up your energies to thrive or feel better about themselves. Before you understand how the energy vampires affect you or how you can deal with them, you first need to understand what are energy vampires and how to identify them.

Read Here : What Are Energy Vampires And How To Identify Them | Divya Toshniwal |

Energy vampires affect you on different levels and disturb various aspects of your life.

Effects of Energy Vampires On Your Physical Body

You feel tired and drained around them.
You feel stressed
You may feel headaches or body aches around them.
If you allow yourself to be completely drained you may feel nausea or you may feel like puking.
You may feel your body shaking or shivering
You may feel sweaty.
It may cause you to feel hungry even when you are full. (this may cause weight issues at later stages)

Effects of Energy Vampires on Your Emotions

You feel upset without any particular reason for it.
The negative people may create feelings of inferiority in you.
They may create a belief that you are not good enough.
They create drama in your life where you start believing that nothing is going right in your life.
The angry energy vampires may make you feel helpless and weak.
You may lose touch of you positive thoughts and start believing in the negative.

Effects of Energy Vampires On your Mental Health

You may feel depressed and stressed all the time when you are around them.
Some energy vampires have overbearing nature which may make you anxious.
Constant contact with an energy vampire may create eating disorders as they make you feel hungry even when you are full.
Energy Vampires may create a sense of self doubt and inefficiency in you , leading to inferiority complex.

Dealing With Energy Vampires

We have already seen how drastically these energy vampires can affect your life. So when you have successfully identified the energy vampires in your life you also have to now know how to deal with them in order to minimize their impact on your life.

1. The first step to dealing with negative people and energy vampires is the awareness and alertness that you can develop for them. Trust your instincts in such matters. Evaluate logically all the symptoms that the people around you show and observe keenly. It does not mean that doubt on every person you are with, but, if you feel low particularly around someone, become alert.

2. Increase your aura and positive energy. This is the next best thing you need to do. It is not even necessary to have an energy vampire around to take this step in life. Filling yourself with positive energy and increasing your aura can be rewarding in many ways. Start by spending more time with positive thoughts, books, channels, people, and you. Meditation can be a good way to find abundant positive energy.

3. Do not internalize everything any person says to you. No matter what the people around you say to you, make your belief in yourself unshakeable. Whenever you come across statements that put you down, be more logical about them and do not be burdened under emotions.

4. The next step is to limit your time with the energy vampires. If you believe that someone is taking up a lot of energy from your life and that you don’t want them to, you need to stop spending excessive time with them. The relations you have need not be broken if you know how to manage them. Be with them for only as much time as you can be ok with. It is ok to create distance between yourself and people who are not good for your progress.

5. When you are around energy vampires it’s better to turn around their energy. If they do not have much negative energy, they wouldn’t be affecting you much. A good way to go about that is by having conversations about things they love or are interested in. This will turn their energy around and help you deal with them better.

6. Sometimes it becomes tough to handle the energy vampires because you try to be the better person and help. You try to raise your energy and give them as much as you can and that may be a very noble task, but, it is damaging for you in the long run. It takes a lot of effort, years of training, and a great amount of self-awareness to do so. Do not indulge in the passion of giving until you are sure you can handle it well.

7. Keep your physical body healthy. Your energy body and physical body is connected and hence a weak physical body would make your energy levels weaker too. So while you are working on uplifting your positive energy also work on improving your physical health.

8. Take walks in nature alone. Allow nature to heal you, to ground you, whenever your body feels heavy with negative energy. Do some form of yoga or meditation along with it to boost the healing process.

9. Do things that you like. Self-care is an important aspect of dealing with energy vampires. Indulge into a hobby, pamper yourself, take breaks, read a good book, or do whatever uplifts your mood.

These pointers would help you deal with the energy vampires better the next time you are around them.

What Are Energy Vampires And How To Identify Them | Divya Toshniwal |

Posted on September 20, 2021September 14, 2026 by Divya Toshniwal

Vampires, not many would believe in their existence but the existence of energy vampires can be felt by each and every one of us. These people do not have extended canine teeth or a blood-thirsty look on their faces, but they exist. They exist between you and me, even when they do not look frightening and not easy to identify, they are walking amongst us and affecting our lives.

what are energy vampires and how to identify them ? by Divya Toshniwal

So what are energy vampires? and what are they looking for?

Energy Vampires are people who feed upon the energies of other people to refill their depleted energies. These are people surrounded with all negative emotions and when they are around you they make you feel negative and depleted too. They feed upon your positive energy to balance themselves. as water flows from a higher to a lower level so does energy. So if you have high and positive energy and a person with low and negative energy enters your energy space, the positive from you would try to negate the negative in them.

Think about this, if you are a very optimistic person who always sees the brightest sun and a friend you have always sees the cloud, wouldn’t you try to shine brighter and help them see the light? And this effort would take some part of your energy which even you need to refill at some point in time. But now imagine this happening without your conscious knowledge or your consent.

Energy vampires stay around you because they feel good when they are around you. Your positive energy keeps them in balance. The effect though is that you feel depleted, tired, exhausted, negative, and down.

Identifying Energy Vampires:

There are a few signs that may help you to identify the energy vampires in your life.

These people are extremely negative in their approach. Nothing ever seems good enough for them . They would always complain and create arguments. They love to bring down the energies of other people to their level as it makes them uncomfortable when anyone progresses or holds higher energy around them.
The people who are chronically depressed and sad all the time can also deplete your energy as you would want to help them get better all the time. These people are not overbearing as negative people but very subtly they would suck up your energy. At times you may feel you are making progress and they are getting better , but the fact is that this depressed sad state has become a comfort zone for them and they do not want to leave their comfort zone anymore. They are needy people who need your positive energy around to balance themselves and would make no effort to create their own positive auras.
Some times identifying energy vampires can become very tricky as they may not mean to suck up your energy and might be just lost souls with a void in their hearts. When people are trying to fill a void in their life they may fill it with your energy as they are just searching for something better for themselves. They may become an energy vampire for temporary period but once the void is filled they are capable of creating their own energy and would no longer be an energy vampire. If your dealing with such people and want to help them , you should find some alternative ways to recharge yourselves before and after you meet them.
Then there are people who are just looking for an adrenaline rush. Since they are not able to get that from their own lives , they create a stir in your life. To them the chaos creates and energy they want , but for you it becomes a cost to pay.
Some energy vampires are more dangerous than others and the ones we are talking about next are certainly extremely dangerous. These are people who are filled with anger and would not hesitate to take it out on you. To protect yourself you would try to create a shield and these people feed on that shield. These are people who want to put you down and would go to any extent to do so. If you have any such person in your life , the only way to save yourself is cut off.
Another kind of energy vampires are people who talk a lot. They may keep talking and talking and never let you speak. When you keep on listening to them you spend your energy for thing which may not be productive or infact may be counter productive. Unknowingly they may end up taking a lot of energy from you.

Why Gaslighting Is A Problem And How Does It Effect You?

Posted on September 14, 2021January 14, 2023 by Divya Toshniwal

Not all toxic relationships are easily identified. Some are so manipulative that people do not recognize the toxicity in the relationships till it already takes a toll on your mental and physical health, and sometimes even your life. You may not know but you may be a victim of gaslighting.

Have you ever heard any of these phrases –

” Your emotions are your responsibility “

“Don’t be so dramatic”

“I never agreed to do this task. It’s all in your mind.”

“You don’t remember this? There is something wrong with you.”

” It was just a joke. Have a sense of humor. ”

“You are overreacting “

“You are imagining things.”

“Are you sure? You have a bad memory.”

These are a few very commonly heard gaslighting phrases.

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the victim is manipulated to question their reality. It generally develops very gradually and thus is very hard to identify. It is now known as a narcissist’s favorite tool to manipulate people.
Gaslighting can happen in personal or professional relationships. It is a tactical manipulative tool used by people who want to control you such that you start doubting yourself and questioning your own sanity. Hence you may start believing that there is something wrong with you.

This term originated from a play named ‘Gas Light’ where a husband tries to convince his wife that she has lost her sanity to take over her property. Somehow the Gas Lights play a big role in his plan and hence the term Gaslighting. ( Criminal Justice: Behind Closed Doors is an Indian web series that gives a classic example of gaslighting).

How does Gaslighting affect you?

In a situation where you are a victim of gaslighting, you are surrounded by brain fog, where nothing is clear to you anymore. You feel confused about your thoughts, emotions, and circumstances. Since the person who is gaslighting, you is such a good manipulator, they would keep you in this state of confusion to have total control over you and make sure you keep questioning your own thoughts and sanity. As a side effect, you would reach a stage of cognitive dissonance.

For those who are not acquainted with the term Cognitive Dissonance here is a brief in a simple form. Cognitive Dissonance is the mental discomfort that you feel when there is a gap between your beliefs and your behavior or when you have contradictory thoughts going on in your mind.

It starts in such a way that identifying it becomes really tough. Gaslighting is tough to identify and most of the victims do not even realize that they are being gaslighted. This kind of manipulation comes hidden with a coat of love and care and that is what makes it so tough to identify.

Example Of Gaslighting

Let me explain to you a situation through a story. Miss X is a beautiful young lady who has just met Mr.Y. Within a short span of time Mr.Y declares that she is the love of his life and showers her with gifts, care, concern, and love. So much that Miss X has never experienced. Everything starts moving really fast and they move in together. When they start living together, Mr.Y now starts to become his usual controlling self who wants things as perfect. He starts blaming Miss X whenever something goes wrong even when it is his fault. But at the same time, he would keep doing things to make her feel loved and cared about.

Eventually, he would put the idea of insufficiency into her mind. He would reinforce that she doesn’t know what is good for her and that he does everything in order to make her life better. Then he would start to feed her incidences that never happened or deny incidences that happened to signify there is something wrong with her. He would also separate her from her loved ones through misunderstandings. The situations would be so much under his control that he would monitor each and every step of Miss X and make her life as per his wishes.

Miss X was manipulated so slowly into this situation that she never realizes she is the victim here. She believes that Mr. Y loves her the most and does everything for her best. She starts to believe that she is insufficient and that something is wrong with her and she needs Mr.Y to take care of her. But there is a constant contradiction going on in her mind and she never feels the same person she used to be. She falls into depression but she doesn’t have a way to break free.

Here listed are a few effects of gaslighting on your life:

It leads to confusion as what a victim is told and what they believe are two different things.
Since there is so much contradiction in what you perceive and believe, there is always 2 thoughts running into your mind which slowly make you lose your confidence.
Another effect of gaslighting is that the victim starts to question everything and the decision-making skills deteriorate tremendously. They become so indecisive that they are unable to make even the smallest day-to-day decisions for themselves.
As they think there is something wrong with them, even when their family and friends notice changes, they do not accept it and withdraw.
It takes a toll on the victim’s happiness and they have a constant feeling that they are a different person. Nothing they do resonates with their beliefs but they still cannot break free.

It is extremely important to look out for the sign and take back control of one’s emotions to avoid the extremely manipulative techniques of gaslighting.

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